GMAT Essays (AWA)

Topic

"A recent nationwide study of high schools reveals that the percentage of students who graduate on time is higher for private schools. For this reason, Bedford Falls parents who want their children to graduate from high school on time should send their children to private schools."

My Response
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Although the argument looks to be correct in first glance but deeper thinking reveals various flaws in the argument.

First of all argument assumes that national average willl be applicable for Bedford Falls as well. It is improtant for parents to verify that results of national level study are valid for Bedford Falls as well. What if percentage of students graduating in time is significantly higher for public schools than for private schools in Bedford Falls

Secondly argument fails to consider the data for individual schools. It is possible that percentage of students passing in time from public schools overall might be lower because some of the schools might be performing very badly (because of various possible reasons) as compared to some of the schools performing well. Hence overall average might be lower. For example it is possible that government enforced opening of public schools in rural areas (where percentage of student graduating in time is lower) however density of private schools in much higher in urban area. It might be true that public schools in urban area might be performing better than provate schools

Thirdly, argument does not consider any reason for proviate schools performing better in national study. It might be true that tradionally private school had some advantage and because of some change that advantage might shift to public school. What if private school paid more salary to teachers until last year when goverment increased salary of teachers significantly. This might have reversed the trend of talent getting shifted to private school. There could be different such factors hence it is important for parents to understand the reason for better performance of private schools.

Hence to make arguments more strong I will consider statistics of individual schools results in addition to identifying the reasons for those results. By identifying reasons, I will consider any change in future performace of schools.

Pretty good! You've definitely approached this essay properly, so you're well on your way to a good score.

A few comments:

1. Your introduction is way too short. Restate the argument, state why it's poorly reasoned, and include a thesis sentence in your first paragraph.

2. Watch out for awkward sentences and other grammatical errors; leave time to proofead!

I'll give you a 4 or 5 on this - fix up those two things and you'd be a solid 5.

Thanks a lot Jim! Appreciate your timely feedback