Can someone please review my essay? First one ever.

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["Without new ideas, any society will stagnate. New ideas can only be introduced in a society that permits freedom of expression. Therefore, if a society is to thrive, all limits on freedom of expression should be eliminated."]

It is widely believed by many that, "Without new ideas, any society will stagnate", as written in the aforementioned question. While many are afraid of a world that embraces change, not everybody is opposed to it. As a matter of fact, many of the world's top businesses dominate their markets, merely succeeding because of their adaptations to how the world is maturing and developing. In ways, if a populace is not willing to embrace change and incorporates new ideas into their daily regimen, they could certainly deteriorate, though the statement that reads, "New ideas can only be introduced in a society that permits freedom of expression" is false, and I will inform you on why that is.

Everyone on the planet Earth is a salesperson, whether they are aware of it or not. Every single day, all individuals are branding themselves. Everybody is a walking product, and everyone tries to make deals. A main example would include a five-year-old boy who is looking to eat cookies from the cookie jar that is located on the top of the fridge, but his mother will not let him. She might say no once, but that does not mean that the child's endeavor is finished. The little boy will keep pushing to receive that cookie, and after a while, he will earn it. At first, the mother was not open to the idea of treating her son with a fattening snack, but after realizing that he could have one cookie every so often, she was not as opposed to the idea. This is called change.

Jackie Robinson was known to be the first African-American baseball player to play in the MLB. The world was not ready for this, and for a long time, he was not accepted by the sport's millions of spectators around the world. In time, Robinson would become a Hall of Famer, known to be the sport's new cherished treasure. In modern-day society, Robinson's #42 has been retired around all of baseball, and he will permanently be known as one of the world's biggest inspirations.

The topic of people that identity as transgender boggles the minds of many. Although it's been occurring for years, there are still tons of individuals who do not understand how the mind of a transgender individual works. Because of this lack of comprehension, people still do not accept it. Caitlyn Jenner, former Olympian and U.S. hero that was known as Bruce, has recently identified herself as being transgender. With her platform in the media, she is hoping to help all individuals who struggle with coming out, as well as those who do not grasp the idea of being confused about gender identity. Caitlyn will ultimately change the way the world looks at the concept, even if today's society does not currently have a threshold of introducing this new freedom of expression.

The United States of America is a big fan of letting the world know about the importance of freedom of speech, but in reality, this right is withheld from all citizens. It has not let the world stagnate, as those will continue to speak out anyway, and after a period of time, will change how a society will perceive new ideas. Limits on freedom of expression should not be eliminated - if that were the case, anything would be fair game. That includes the likes of racism, discrimination and prejudice, only because society is permitted to speak what is on their mind and it is entirely allowable. Simply put, if there were no limits on the ideas that individuals can bring into the world, no one would be challenged to make a difference in the world. It feels that much better to be turned down in the beginning, but to come out on top in the end.

"Without new ideas, any society will stagnate". I believe this statement to be 100 per cent accurate. The argument begins to flaw when the topic states that, "New ideas can only be introduced in a society that permits freedom of expression". This can be altered in order to make the argument more logically sound by writing, "New ideas CAN be introduced in a society that permits freedom of expression". The word "only" changes the entire argument, and a word of merely four letters should not make that difference. Not all limits on freedom of expression should be eliminated, but the world should be more open to change, and in order to achieve this, more ideas need to be brought to the surface. New ideas will spark change, even if people initially resist them. The feeling of winning is only existent if one has previously endured the feeling of failure. Change is good, and it takes time.[/i]

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by Rich@EconomistGMAT » Fri Jun 05, 2015 12:29 pm
Hi gottalovesports,

You've clearly written quite a few essays in your time! Your grasp of grammar and an academic format of an essay is obvious. However, here are some things for you to consider:

1) The GMAT will ask you to pick one side of an argument and disprove the other. While you've made some sweeping statements that would constitute a great read in an opinion piece, be sure to pick a side and support your argument with outside examples.

2) Typically we suggest that test-takers follow a succinct format for AWA responses:
-Paragraph 1: establish your argument
-Paragraphs 2-4: support your argument with examples
-Paragraph 5: conclusion/restate your argument

Our resident expert recently shed some light on common mistakes test-takers made in our most recent Brightest Minds competition, which you can check out here: https://bit.ly/1cgxp3r

Best of luck,
Rich