Is this what the Accomplishments Essay Is Looking For???

Free advice from the world's top MBA consultants
This topic has expert replies
Junior | Next Rank: 30 Posts
Posts: 15
Joined: Fri May 29, 2009 9:58 am
GMAT Score:720
Hey all,

I just finished my HBS accomplishments essay. Let me know what you think. I want to make sure I am on the right track before tackling the other essays!
*******************************************************

As a child, I had a fascination with colognes. I was so captivated by fragrances that my parents gave me a fragrance kit for my 12th birthday. It is no wonder then that, after gaining chemistry knowledge in my first year of college, discovering a passion to be an entrepreneur in a field I loved, and acquiring startup capital, I began my own fragrance manufacturing company. It was a mammoth task balancing college courses, running a business, and engaging myself with the campus and community. In 2006, three years after starting my business, I took a temporary leave from college to focus more on my entrepreneurial endeavor. With much at stake, the risky decision, however, proved very successful. Within a year, I managed five employees, established clients in 47 US states and 16 countries, and increased revenues by over 900%! My operation was recognized by leading wholesale and trade publications as being one of the most prominent new fragrance manufacturers and even received leadership acknowledgement by the National Republican Congressional Committee. Ultimately, I realized the magnitude of my accomplishment when an offer was made to acquire the company in 2008, generating significant value from my investment and affording me the opportunity to take the lessons learned of leadership, persistence, and initiative back to my undergraduate pursuits armed with unique perspectives to augment class discussions.
A more personal accomplishment of which I am proud involves the sport of skiing. Several years ago, some friends asked me to go to the slopes with them. Not knowing how to ski, I was assured that they would teach me. I had always dreamed of skiing advanced black diamond slopes, and this was my chance. While I wanted to ski the most advanced slopes from the start, I knew that I had to rely on the knowledge and experience of my friends as they taught me within the confines of my own beginners’ abilities. I did, however, set a goal to ski a black diamond slope before the end of the season. With a lot of coaching and practicing, I was finally able to successfully ski a black diamond slope on the second to last day of the season, although only after many face-to-ground meetings with the snow! Ultimately, I was most proud that I realized my limitations and trusted the expertise of my friends who knew more about skiing than I did, while at the same time setting a realistic, although chancy, goal—which I met.
Although proud of the preceding accomplishments, I must admit that I gain the most satisfaction from the positive change I was able to affect in the life of nine-year-old Raheem. While doing volunteer service at Cleveland Catholic Charities Migration and Refugee Services (MRS), I was asked to work with Raheem, a refugee who was forced to leave Afghanistan with his mother after his father was killed in a terrorist bombing. Although fluent in English, Raheem had difficulties adjusting to school. I made a personal commitment to work with Raheem and help him successfully increase his grades to a satisfactory level, meeting as many as three or four times each week. After about a year, Raheem had not only improved his grades, but had also made the honor roll. In all honesty though, Raheem probably taught me more than I was able to teach him. His perseverance in the face of adversity, resolve to accomplish goals, and amazingly positive attitude are themes that are forever etched on my heart. Engaging with Raheem to reach his goals is an accomplishment that impacts my life to this day.

User avatar
MBA Admissions Consultant
Posts: 270
Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2008 2:20 am
Location: Philadelphia & Paris
Thanked: 35 times
Followed by:17 members
GMAT Score:750

by Graham » Fri Jun 05, 2009 12:22 am
Dear jmsells,

Thanks for your post!

Although individual essay assessments are something that Clear Admit only really does with our clients, I'll chime in with a few basic thoughts to get you started here.

[Note: I should state that I don't have the benefit of knowing your full background - in terms of the stories that you might be leaving out here - so I will merely comment on the caliber of material you've assembled.]

1) You've got the basic idea with the essay in that you've selected three short, varied stories to showcase different facets of your background. Having said that, there is a lot of room for improvement (see below).

2) While the first accomplishment should ultimately be a good choice, it isn't presently striking the right chord with me. Because you start out by referencing your childhood, it ends up having a bit of a 'lemonade stand' feel to it (a kid with a chemistry kit making perfume at home, etc). A better, bolder approach would be to simply start out by indicating that one of your greatest accomplishments is launching your own fragrance company, building a team and gaining international distribution before selling the company, etc. I'd also like to hear more details regarding your leadership and efforts to make the firm a success. Finally, as a side note, the comment about the Republican National Congressional Committee seems odd (didn't you receive accolades from anyone in the fashion/fragrance sector?). It's also somewhat risky given that you will not know the political affiliation of your readers...

3) The second accomplishment will not work. Learning to ski and tackling a black diamond slope aren't going to impress the HBS admissions board. In addition, some readers might find that your goal of hitting the expert trails was rather superficial (as opposed to focusing on your form/technique, ability to teach others what you've learned, etc). In all cases though, I just don't see a skiing accomplishment making the cut in an HBS accomplishments essay - unless you are Bode Miller competing for olympic gold or have recovered from a serious accident to get back on the slopes, etc.

4) The third accomplishment feels a bit formulaic and is the sort of thing that will be rather common in the applicant pool (lots of folks volunteer to help disadvantaged kids who are strugging in school, etc). This is not to say that your story won't work - but I think it will benefit from some heavy revision. First, you need to remove a lot of the comments that will ring false to the adcom ("etched on my heart", the intro about how this accomplishment is more important than all the others, etc). Second, you should try to offer us more insight into the nature of your work with Raheem as well as his accomplishments that have stemmed from your work together. As an aside, I am somewhat curious to know when this all took place - was it recent? Ideally the answer is 'yes'.

There are many other points I could offer here about writing style/grammar and more minor strategic concerns, but these thoughts should get you moving in the right direction.

Feel free to contact Clear Admit ([email protected]) if you would like to avail yourself of our essay editing and admissions counseling services.

Best of luck,

Graham
Graham Richmond
Clear Admit, LLC
[email protected]
215 568 2590

Stay Informed with Clear Admit!
Read our Blog for daily MBA admissions tips and updates.
Follow us on Twitter for breaking b-school news.
Download our Publications on MBA programs and admissions strategy.
Visit our MBA Admissions Wiki to read and share application insights.