GMAT Essays (AWA)

Hi,

I will be much obliged if some expert evaluate might response below and rate it on the GMAT scale:

IT is my response for essay question in practice test 1 of GMAT Prep Official Software:

In the discussion, it is stated that the noise must not be a critical component to lower the sales of foreign company but this argument must be strengthened with more explanations. First of all, argument in the article is based on the assumption that noise cannot be a critical component to shape consumer choices because this does not make any impact in the case of foreign cars as well. This assumption is weak as the argument is clearly comparing apples with oranges. There are chances that consumer behavior might vary significantly in case of cars relative to motorcycles. For example, consumers might look for cars due to their convenience while motorcyclists can be looking for something more like product aesthetics such as loud noise. Such aesthetics can be used as a symbol of style for motorcyclists. On the other hand, the same group of consumers might view cars as a means of convenient transportation only while ignoring aesthetics. Therefore, in order to further strengthen the argument, a clear evidence must be provided to show that consumers evaluate cars and motorcycles similarly in their decision making process.
In the second part of the discussion, the author provides another example that motorcycle X manufacturers try to position it in terms of its durability and sleek lines in advertising campaigns. On the basis of this premise, the author implies that these are the only two features attractive to the target audience of Motorcycle X. This argument also lacks evidence and further explanation is needed to improve the argument. For example, Motorcycle X manufacturer focusing on certain product features in television advertisements does not mean that these are the only attractive features to target audience. There could be a number of other factors involved in consumer decision making process. For example, some motorcyclists might be interested in its engine power while others might be interested in accessories provided by the bike manufacturer. The manufacturer might be aware of such consumer behavior but they might be trying to sustain a unique position in the market relative to competitors. It does not necessarily mean that consumers are responsive to these two features only. By viewing this from a second perspective, there are also chances that the company might be simply be misled by the competitive trends such as a firm try to imitate the competitor's position while ignoring its own current positioning and just going through the flow to advertise these two features only because its competitors are doing it. Therefore, in order to improve the argument, a clear evidence must be included in the argument to support the claim that noisiness was not a critical element to shape consumer purchase decisions.
Finally, the voice-overs or rock music presence in television commercials does not mean that engine-roar is not attractive to target audience. There are also chances that the rock-music available in the advertisement might be associating with the noisiness of the bike. For example, advertisers might use rock music creatively to make consumers feel the sound of the bike like a rock music. Therefore, argument must cite evidence that such voice effects and voice overs have no association with the noisiness of the bike.

Hello,
I have gone through the complete essay. I would like to say that you have written it well but there are some areas that you need to work out to make it more impressive to the people who read your essay. I have many years of experience in writing and I gained experience in writing by working for one of the best academic writing companies online. First of all, you should make your introduction as simple and striking as possible. You have to make sure that your introduction paragraph is not too long. Divide the body parts into different sections because a long body paragraph will look like tedious. These are some of the things I have noted in your writing.