Someone please rate my essay. I have a exam in a week

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"Commuter use of the new subway train is exceeding the transit company's expectations. However commuter use of shuttle buses that transport people to the subway is below the projected volume.If the transit company expects commuters to ride the shuttle buses to rather than drive there, it must either reduce the shuttle bus fares or increase the price of parking at the subway stations."


The argument states that, because the commuter use of the shuttle bus service is below the projected volume, the transit company should reduce the bus fares or increase the fees for parking at the subway station. The argument in its current form is not convincing - the support provided for the conclusion is weak and the argument makes too many unwarranted assumptions.

First, the transit company does not consider reasons due to which lesser number of people are using the shuttle bus service. Maybe the shuttle bus service is not available from some important parts of the city, as a result of which the people have to use other means to reach the subway station. It is also possible that the shuttle bus service is not comfortable and therefore people generally avoid using the shuttle bus service. If these are the reasons, then reducing bus fares will not help the transit company much as people will still prefer other means of reaching the subway. Second, the author suggests an increase in parking fees to deter people using their own vehicles to reach the subway. Maybe most of the people that use the subway train are walking to the station or using their bicycle. They use this as means to stay fit. Thus increasing the parking fees at subway may not help the transit company to increase the volume of people using shuttle bus service. Third, it is possible that the transit company was very positive when projecting the volume of people who will travel by bus and as a result overestimated the numbers. For example, in the build, operate ,and transfer mode of building highways many construction companies overestimate the projected number of vehicles using the road. But most of the time the actual usage is below the projected level. If this is the case then no matter what actions the transit company takes it will not be able to get the projected volume.

In sum, the argument fails to consider many important reasons which may have been responsible for lower use of shuttle bus service. If it included the above points, instead of reaching a direct conclusion then the argument would have been more sound and convincing.

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by prakherrajeev » Mon Sep 29, 2014 12:10 pm
Can someone please rate my essay. It will be a lot of help.

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by Katharine@GMATPrepNow » Sat Feb 07, 2015 8:21 am
Writing: I found several issues in the body of the essay, including awkward phrasing ("the transit company does not consider reasons due to which lesser number of people") and incorrect punctuation ("For example, in the build, operate ,and transfer mode of building highways"). Take care to review your essay before submitting to catch these errors, and do your best to eliminate wordiness. Using more transition words will make your essay easier to read.

Structure: Next time, break up your essay into several body paragraphs. The summary in your intro paragraph was concise, but I would prefer one more sentence. The conclusion was generic and was barely connected to the prompt. It's fine to have a standard conclusion in your essay template, but you have to tweak it to match each essay you write.

Arguments/Examples: You were correct to discuss reasons why shuttle bus use is below expected numbers, and I thought your first two arguments were strongest. The third argument ("the transit company was very positive when projecting the volume of people") was not as convincing. I wasn't persuaded by your comparison to construction companies, so perhaps your examples could be more connected to the types of infrastructure mentioned in the prompt.

Suggestions for Improvement: I'd put this essay in the 3-4 range. Problems with the writing and intro/conclusion paragraphs reduced the grade. I suggest that you continue writing practice essays in response to official prompts so you can develop your writing skills further.
Katharine Rudzitis - BA
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