GMAT Essays (AWA)

Hello Friends,

Will be taking up GMAT pretty soon. Please rate the essay so that I can take some actions to improve

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The following appeared in the health section of a magazine on trends and lifestyles:

“People who use the artificial sweetener aspartame are better off consuming sugar, since aspartame can actually contribute to weight gain rather than weight loss. For example, high levels of aspartame have been shown to trigger a
craving for food by depleting the brain of a chemical that registers satiety, or the sense of being full. Furthermore, studies suggest that sugars, if consumed after at least 45 minutes of continuous exercise, actually enhance the body’s ability to burn fat. Consequently, those who drink aspartame-sweetened juices after exercise will also lose this calorie-burning benefit. Thus it appears that people consuming aspartame rather than sugar are unlikely to achieve their dietary goals.”

Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.


The argument that artificial sweetener aspartame are unlike to achieve the dietary goal is not convincing for several reasons. First and the foremost reason is lack of clear definition of dietary goals which people want to achieve and what are the claims made by sellers of artificial sweeteners or perceived benefits of artificial sweeteners over natural sweeteners like sugar.

So, we assume that the dietary goal of people is to reduce calorie intake from sugar and sellers of artificial sweetener aspartame claims to help people achieve that goal.

The actual amount of calories which can be avoided by a person who uses aspartame instead of sugar is not specified in the passage. This data is required to quantify the reduction of calorie intake by a person.

The passage suggests that high level of aspartame have been shown to trigger a carving for food. However, it does not conclude whether those studies are scientifically proven and accepted as a fact by scientific community. Whether aspartame is the only reason to trigger the carving for food is not conclusively mentioned in the passage either.

The passage suggests high level of aspartame have been shown to trigger the carving of food, but the passage does not mention those levels. Hence it cannot be ascertained whether anybody will consume that high level of aspartame in routine.
The passage is actually trying to convince readers that sugar contrarily to popular belief is helpful in enhancing the ability of body to burn fat. However as per the passage this happens only if a person is engaged in the exercise continuously for at least 45 minutes. Hence the passage assumes that a large number of people who consume aspartame exercise for 45 minutes continuously. The passage fails to address the effects of sugar consumption if a person does not exercise for 45 minutes continuously.

Hence a reader of this passage who is not doing exercise for at least 45 minutes continuously or is not eating aspartame in large quantity might continue to consume aspartame.

In order to draw any convincing conclusion form the passage, the passage must highlight scientifically proven benefits of sugar in the short and long term. The side effects by consumption of aspartame must be scientifically validated and quantified so as to draw any logical conclusion.

The biggest problem I see with this essay is the lack of structure. A good essay should have five paragraphs of roughly equal (4-5 sentences) length: an introduction, three body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The points you make are fine, but your essay is a little hard to follow due to this lack of structure. Check out the "stick" post at the top of this forum to get some examples of well done essays.

I'll give you a 4, but you could definitely get a 5 or even a 6 with a bit more practice.

thnks Jim !!

jim can you rate my essay about the same topic please .I have some different ideas about this topic and i'm not sure about them.

In the argument above the author states that people who use aspartame should change their mind and consume sugar instead of that sweetener.The author recommendation is based on the evidences that aspartame can trigger a chemical that would make people feel hungry and if they use sugar instead, can burn their fat after 45 minutes continues exercises.The author then concludes that people who use aspartame will not reach their dietary goals because consuming aspartame causes getting fat instead of loosing weight. The argument is flawed and it is open to a lot of questions. Neither are the evidences convincing, nor is the conclusion compelling and this argument can not be acceptable as a valid one due to reasons mentioned below.

First,the author assumes that peopl who consume aspartame all want to loose weight.Buti t could be possible these people do not have any regime or mabe even they are thin people who want to gain weight.so this statement could not be acceptable about them. The author should consider the dIfferent aspects . Mabe aspartame has some nourishing nutrients that people prefer to use it instead of sugar.

Second,even if it were true and, the people who consume aspartame have dietary goals and they want to loose weight, the author can not persuade the reader that these people can not reach their goals only because they are consuming aspartame. Assuming that there is no other way to loose weight, the author states that people can not reach their dietary goals,But this assumption is not valid. there are a lot of ways to loose fat such as exercising,a good regime and eating some kinds of food that can compensate consuming aspartame.

To buttress this argument, the author should consider that all people do not have dietary goals and he(she) should provide some evidences that the people who use aspartame do not use any other method to loose weight.In sum, had the author taken in to view the above mentioned factors, the argument could be more compelling, But what has been presented here could not be persuasive.