Probably my last essay before D-Day ! Pls Evaluate

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Prompt:
The following appeared as part of an article reviewing summer camps for children.
Parents, if you need a summer camp for your children look no further than Federville Farms. In a recent survey, Federville Farms ranked first in both overall camper satisfaction and in food quality, and second in the variety of outdoor activities. Federville Farms has been family owned and operated for over forty years, so you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your child's safety, and it employs more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. If you seek the best camp experience for your children, Federville Farms is the best choice you can make.
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.



Essay:

The author looks to campaign for Federville Farms as the "go to" destination for a summer camp for children. In doing so, he brings out several positives that await if the parents happen to choose Federville Farms. He points to a recent survey where Federville Farms ranked first in camper satisfaction as well as food quality and came in second in the variety of outdoor activities. He also mentions that the farm is family owned and operated for over forty years and points to this as a measure of safety for the children. Apparently, Federville Farms employs more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. The author citing all the given pointers, suggests that Federville Farms is the best choice that parents can make. There are a variety of flaws in the given article which the author should have addressed in a better manner.

The first point the author mentions uses a survey as backbone. He mentions that according to the survey Federville Farms , ranked first in camper satisfaction and food quality , while it came second in the variety of outdoor activities. The author does not mention anything about the agency who conducted the survey. How are the parents supposed to blindly trust a survey ? Its one thing if the survey was conducted by a credible agency. But when the source is unknown, there is no evidence supporting the credibility of the survey. The author also does not give any details on what are the various factors that constituted "camper satisfaction and "food quality". Another point that would have strengthened the author's argument was mentioning how many camps were a part of the survey. Since there is a big difference in coming first among a group of five participants and doing the same among a group of 20 participants. As a result of these flaws, the author does not make a strong case while using the survey as a reason to promote Federville Farms.

The author then mentions that the Farms has been family owned and operated for over forty years. He uses this as support for child safety. Being family owned and the number of years of operations says nothing about safety whatsoever. The author would have been better served had he been more specific on the measures being taken to ensure the safety of the children. He should also provide information on the various activities that are on the agenda, so that the parents can evaluate the level of safety required by themselves and then take a suitable decision. It has been mentioned in the article that Federville Farms employs more Red Cross certified life guards than any other camp. It is well known that quality of the lifeguards in duty matters as much as quantity, if not more. Some details should have been provided with regards to the experience of these lifeguards and how many such camps have they been in charge of, in the past.

Because the author fails to provide full information about the survey being referred to and also since he does not elaborate on the safety measures being taken, it can be concluded that the article is weak and unconvincing. The author could have better summarized his content by addressing the flaws discussed above.

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by Katharine@GMATPrepNow » Tue Jun 02, 2015 12:21 am
Hello cruzerkk,

After the last response, I encouraged you to improve the conclusion.

Writing: Make sure not to leave extra spaces after punctuation marks. For example, you wrote "blindly trust a survey ?" although "survey?" is correct in terms of spacing. I didn't see this in your previous essays, so hopefully it's an infrequent mistake.

Structure: Your intro and body paragraphs remain strong and well-formed. The conclusion is very similar in length and style to the one from the last response, and I still want you to include an extra detail next time.

Arguments/Examples: You found several different flaws with the author's reasoning, including the lack of a source for the survey, and no evidence explaining what makes the camp safe. I think that you did a good job of breaking down the author's argument.

Suggestions for Improvement: Keep working on your conclusion. Once you can make the time to add in two or three details, I think you'll be in great shape for the exam. Otherwise there were no major problems!

If you have any specific questions, please let me know.

Katharine
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by cruzerkk » Wed Jun 10, 2015 7:51 pm
Hi Katherine,

Thank you so much for your valuable and timely inputs on my essays. Received my official GMAT score report today and scored a 6/6 (92 percentile) on my AWA :) :)
A big credit in that goes to you !

Cheers,
Kaushik

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by Katharine@GMATPrepNow » Thu Jun 11, 2015 11:00 am
Hi Kaushik,

Congratulations! I'm so pleased to hear that you did well. Your hard work and perseverance paid off.

Katharine
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