GMAT Essays (AWA)

The prompt for the essay I wrote is as follows:
"The following appeared as part of an article in the education section of a Waymarsh city newspaper: "Throughout the last two decades, those who earned graduate degrees found it very difficult to get jobs teaching their academic specialties at the college level. Those with graduate degrees from Waymarsh University had an especially hard time finding such jobs. But better times are coming in the next decade for all academic job seekers, including those from Waymarsh. Demographic rends indicate that an increasing number of people will be reaching college age over the next 10 years; consequently, we can expect that the job market will improve dramatically for people seeking college-level teaching positions in their fields."

My response:
The following argument is flawed for numerous reasons. Primarily, the argument is based on the assumption that an increase in the population of students reaching college age will be directly correlated with an increase in college level teaching jobs, hindering the article's main conclusion that the job market will improve.
The argument fails to provide any justification that an increase in student-aged population will have a positive effect on job growth in the teaching field. For one, just because a person reaches university-level age does not necessarily mean they are going to begin any type of college level education. More significantly, the argument is not taking into account the future economic conditions over the next 10 years. If the country is going through a period of recession, then the job market may actually be worse off than it is currently. In addition to the previous point, much of the general population could be worse off financially during a period of recession than during a period of prosperity; possibly having an influence on whether they attend a post-secondary institution after high school.
The argument also leaves many other unanswered questions. Even if the job market does increase due to an increase of the college-aged population, Waymarsh University (and other Institutions) may not have the financial capability of supporting an increased staff and payroll. There are many variables that go into an increased payroll that could potentially generate more negative effects, such as: increased HR costs, insurance, employee benefits, etc. than positive ones. Before the newspaper can make any such assumptions, the University would have to construct a cost-benefit analysis to determine how many increased teaching positions (if any at all) are beneficial.
Lastly, the argument is implying that an increase in the overall population of college-aged students will lead to an overall increase in the student population of Universities (especially at Waymarsh). If the University does not have the capacity to support more students, then they would not add any additional teaching positions to account for the student-body increase. So even if one assumes that the student-aged population across the country will increase, the argument is still lacking because it does not provide any information to show these universities have the capability of supporting more students.
Because the argument makes several unwarranted assumptions, it fails to make a convincing case that an increase in the population of college-aged students will lead to an overall increase in college-level teaching positions.



Any feedback/tips/suggestions for future improvement would be greatly appreciated!! Thank you.

That essay turned out to be pretty good, and I was surprised by that outcome as the first paragraph is a disaster. LOL

What exactly does this mean??

"The following argument is flawed for numerous reasons. Primarily, the argument is based on the assumption that an increase in the population of students reaching college age will be directly correlated with an increase in college level teaching jobs, hindering the article's main conclusion that the job market will improve."

Actually, obviously I can decipher what you are getting at, but that's not the point of this exercise.

You said that the argument is flawed for numerous reasons. Is this one of those reasons? "Primarily, the argument is based on the assumption that ..." You didn't say something along the lines of "The primary reason that..." You merely said that the argument is based on ...

So it's not clear that you are talking about a reason, and what is hindering the main conclusion how is not really clear, and so that first paragraph could use some straightening out.

This sentence also needs to be made more logical. "The argument fails to provide any justification that an increase in student-aged population will have a positive effect on job growth in the teaching field."

I think you mean something more along the lines of "The argument fails to provide any justification for concluding that ..."

Need subject verb agreement between a person and he or she in next sentence. Many people do use they, but that usage is not really considered "correct."

Here, "may not have the financial capability of supporting", the idiomatically correct construction is have the capability to. To be capable of is correct, but have the capability of is not.

Here the logic breaks down again. " such as: increased HR costs, insurance, employee benefits, etc. than positive ones. Before the newspaper can make any such assumptions, ..." Assumptions? What assumptions? Something like the following might be better. "Before the newspaper can make any assumptions about how these factors will ..."

Subject verb agreement again here. "If the University does not have the capacity to support more students, then they ..."

"does not provide any information to show these universities" would be better as "does not provide any information to show that these universities"

The concluding sentence is tight.

Overall, the essay flows pretty well and is structured pretty well. You used connecting works well and created some good sentences and paragraphs.

To do better, you need to pay more attention to the logic of what you are saying and to make sure that little things like subject verb agreement are all in order.