Feedback Requested: 1st AWA Essay

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Feedback Requested: 1st AWA Essay

by numathur » Fri Jul 17, 2015 7:28 pm
Argument:
The following appeared in a memorandum from the president of Aurora, a company that sells organic milk (milk produced without the use of chemical additives):

"Sales of organic food products in this country have tripled over the past five years. If Aurora is to profit from this continuing trend, we must diversify and start selling products such as organic orange juice and organic eggs in addition to our regular product line. With the recent increase of articles in health magazines questioning the safety of milk and other food products, customers are even more likely to buy our line of organic products. And to help ensure our successful expansion, we should hire the founder of a chain of health-food stores to serve as our vice president of marketing."

Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.
Response:
The argument above concludes that Aurora will profit from expanding their product line to include organic food if it hires the founder of a health-food chain to act as the VP of marketing. It presents several pieces of evidence supporting this conclusion such as organic food sales have tripled in the last 5 years and health magazines question the safety of food products. While this argument may seem sound at first glance, it actually omits important details that must be addressed in order to substantiate the claim stated above.

First, the main assumption the argument fails to support is that hiring the founder of the health-food chain to be the VP of Marketing will make Aurora's venture successful. There is no evidence that the founder is a good marketing manager. While he might know a lot about organic food products, there is no guarantee that he will be able to successfully market Aurora's new line. However, if the passage above included the fact that the founder of the health-food chain made it the top chain in the country using advanced marketing techniques, the argument's conclusion would be stronger.

Furthermore, the argument claims that diversifying Aurora's products will increase profits. This is based on the assumption that organic food products will attract more customers. Unfortunately, this largely depends how this expansion is marketed, so increased sales is not a guarantee. Also, if the patrons of Aurora do not like the expansion, the market might actually lose customers. Therefore, unless the founder of the health-food chain is a good marketer and patrons show interest in an organic food line, this claim is extremely weak.

Finally, while health magazines mentioned above question the safety of food products, the argument assumes that this claim regards only non-organic products. The magazines could be talking about safety of food products in general, organic and non-organic. If the argument specifies that the magazines only question the safety of non-organic products, this claim would be stronger.

In sum, the argument above is based on unsupported premises and unsubstantiated assumptions that render the conclusion invalid. If it included the suggestions noted above, the argument would be more thorough and convincing.

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by Katharine@GMATPrepNow » Sat Jul 18, 2015 10:39 am
Hello numathur,

Congrats on starting your AWA prep! I hope that these comments help as you prepare.

Writing: I didn't notice major writing errors in this response.

Structure: I like how you started your intro by summarizing the author's argument, but you failed to emphasize the argument to expand organic offerings. See my comments below for more information. Your conclusion is generic and doesn't include details from the prompt. Make sure your conclusion doesn't come across as an essay template: if you add in a few details about the author's argument, it will strengthen your conclusion.

Arguments/Examples: Your argument focused on the hiring of a new VP, but the author's argument is more based on expanding organic offerings. Make sure you address both parts of the prompt as you write. Otherwise I found your examples convincing.

Suggestions for Improvement: Make sure to write a strong conclusion that includes information from the prompt. You can watch our free AWA videos (https://gmatprepnow.com/module/gmat-anal ... assessment) to get suggestions on structuring your essay properly. I'd give this essay a 4-5, but once you improve these areas you'll be closer to a top score.

If you have specific questions, please let me know.

Best,
Katharine
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by numathur » Sat Jul 18, 2015 1:08 pm
Thanks Katharine! I'll definitely take this into account as I continue to practice.

Cheers,
Nupur

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by Katharine@GMATPrepNow » Sun Jul 19, 2015 6:17 am
Glad to help. Let me know if there are other questions.
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