GMAT Essays (AWA)

I just started preparing for GMAT and wrote my first AWA for practice.
Can somebody review it for me.

"When The Apogee Company has all its operations in one location,it was more profitable than it is today.Therefore, The company should close down its field offices and conduct all its operation from single location. Such centralization would improve profitability by cutting costs and helping the company maintain better supervision of all employees."

Discuss how well reasoned ...etc.


Below is my response.

The argument that the Apogee should cut down it field offices and operate from single location
is flawed since no proper reason is given why after cutting down offices will help Apogee to gain profits or no proper example is given .There are many reason which will led to conclusion that just by cutting offices will not help gain profits.

First,Many of the other companies are exanding their offices to different locations so that if case of natural disaster only the operation which is under the influence of disaster should be affected and other locations will not have any impact on their work.
For example ,if there is flood in some area or some terrorist attack happens ,location which are far should continue working and meet the client requirements.

Second,Many employees have concerns of travelling to one particular office location which may be far from their homes,if comapny suddenly decides to cut it's offices which might be near the homes of their employees, company has to hire new employess which lead to loss since the new employees have to be trained and extra cost company has to spend for hiring and training new employees.

Third, as far as the supervision is concerned nowdays with the help of the technologies like video conferencing ,internet,VoIP ,CCTV's ,person from one room can supervise what their employees are doing in different locations and since we are in the world of the independent workers where every individual would like to work without any pressure from their peers it would be advantageous to have offices in different locations then bringing all together under one shed.


Since author doesn't provide any example why shedding offices will help gain profitablity ,above pointss should be considered and then the decision should be made.



Thanks in advance.
Regards,
Ishan

Hi IshanTrikha,

I think you've done a good job following a strong template, which includes your argument, three supporting paragraphs and restating your argument in the conclusion. However, there are a number of things to consider:

1) When in doubt, keep your sentences on the short end. Although it's always tempting to establish authority in a sentence by packing in a number of thoughts, this is actually counterproductive. If your sentences turn into run-ons, your argument loses a lot of steam and you end up losing even more credibility. Here's a good explanation of how run-on sentences occur and how to avoid them: https://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/runons.htm

2) Avoid beginning your supporting paragraphs with "first," second," and "third." While not grammatically incorrect, it's a better idea to get right into your argument. Also, make sure that you are not capitalizing any words (unless they're names of people, companies, other known entities) that follow a comma.

3) Your conclusion needs a little more meat to make a strong statement. Reinforce why you've taken the stance you have in this paragraph.

4) There are a number of grammatical issues here, but most glaringly: when referring to the author, make sure "the" is included. Refer to your concluding paragraph for a great example. The name of the author is not "author," but without "the" preceding it, that's essentially what you're trying to convey to the reader.

Happy to elaborate further if you'd like.

Best,
Rich