Pls give feedback to my writing

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Pls give feedback to my writing

by gmatmba2016 » Fri Apr 03, 2015 1:07 am
The following appeared in the letters-to-the-editor section of a local newspaper.
"Muscle Monthly, a fitness magazine that regularly features pictures of bodybuilders using state-of-the-art exercise machines, frequently sells out, according to the owner of Skyview Newsstand. To help maximize fitness levels in our town's residents, we should, therefore, equip our new community fitness center with such machines."
Permise 1: The pictures of bodybuilders using state of the art exercise manchines regularly are featured on a fitness magazine, Muscle Monthly.
Permise 2: According to the owner of Skyview Newsstand, Muscle Monthly frequently sells out.
Conclusion : The new community fitness centre should be equiped with such machines to help maxinize fitness levels of local residents.
Unstated permises :
Bodybuilders in the pictures featured on Muscle Monthly get fitness levels because of using state of the art exercise manchines.
Such machines are suitable for all local residents.
Muscle Monthly is a popular magazine .
The argument claims that to help maximize fitness levels of the local residents,the local community should equip its new community fitness center with state-of-the art exercise machines because Muscle Monthly, a fitness magazine that frequently features pictures of bodybuilders using such machines,frequently sells out, according to the owner of Skyview Newsstand. Stated in this way the argument fails to mention several key factors on the basis of which it could be evaluated. The conclusion of the argument relies on assumptions for which there is no clear evidence. Hence, the argument is rather weak, unconvincing and has several flaws.
First, the argument readily assumes that Bodybuilders in the pictures featured on Muscle Monthly get fitness levels because of using state of the art exercise manchines.. This statement is a stretch, the author does not give any information to support how state of the art exercise machines help bodybuilders to get the fitness levels but relies only the picture on the magazine. It might be true that the seller of such machines hire some bodybuilders who get fitness levels by other ways to give the impression with such machines on the magazine to attract more customers.The argument could been more clearer if the argument had provided more evidence to support.
Second,The author assumes that Such machines are suitable for all local residents. This is again a very week and unsupported claim as the argument does not give any more evidence to impress that such machines are suitable for local residents.While residents may be interested in getting in shape, there is no evidence to prove that residents will use the machines often enough to maximize their fitness levels. Some residents may have no desire to join the community center at all. . The argument could have been much more clearer if it explicitly stated how such machines are suitable for local residents.
Finally, the argument claims that such machines should be bought for the new community fitness centre to help the local residents to maximize finess levels Muscle Monthly is a popular magazine due to the fact that it frequently sells out according to the owner of Skyview Newsstand. Whether people who has bought Muscle Monthly are interested in state-of-the-art exercise machines?Whether Skyview Newsstand provides Muscle Monthly for the large proportion of the population. It could be that Skyview Newsstand stocks few copies of the magazine and then the magazine is sold out regularly.
Without any convincing evidence, one is left with the impression that the claim is more of wishful thinking rather than substantive evidence. Hence, the argument has no legs to stand on.
In summary, the argument is flawed for above- mentioned reasons and is therefore unconvincing.It could be considerably strengthened if the author mentioned all relevant facts. In order to access the merits of a certain situation, it is essential to have full knowledge of all contributing factors. Without this information, the argument remains unsubstantiated and open to debate.
489 words.

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by Katharine@GMATPrepNow » Fri Apr 03, 2015 9:51 am
Hello gmatmba2016,

I hope that these comments help you prepare for the exam! I'm assuming that your essay starts with "The argument claims..." and that the previous writing is scratch work.

Writing: Watch out for long, complex sentences (reread your intro if you need an example). It's best for the reader to see clear, concise sentences. You say "fitness levels" often, and it gets repetitive. Try to find a synonym if possible. You mean that the author makes a "weak" claim, not a "week" claim. Check for subject/verb agreement: people "has bought" is not correct, you mean people "have bought." Sometimes you forget to leave a space between sentences. Make sure you leave a few minutes to read through your response before submitting so you can catch these errors.

Structure: Great job stating the author's argument right away in the intro. Your body paragraphs fit together well and provide many different flaws in the author's reasoning. The conclusion was generic and wasn't related to this prompt. It is all right to use an essay template, but you have to tailor it to each prompt.

Arguments/Examples: I liked your examples. You did a good job of pulling apart the author's argument and showing reasons why the argument is flawed.

Suggestions for Improvement: Make sure that your conclusion fits with the essay prompt. It's fine to start with a generic template, but you need to add in some details from the prompt. Cut down on long sentences: it's easier for the reader to understand clear, shorter ideas. I'd put this essay in the 4-5 range; points were lost for the conclusion and the writing errors.
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by gmatmba2016 » Fri Apr 03, 2015 3:10 pm
Thank you so much Katharine :)

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by Katharine@GMATPrepNow » Fri Apr 03, 2015 3:11 pm
No problem! Let me know if you have other questions.
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