GMAT Essays (AWA)

The following appeared in the opinion column of a financial magazine.
"On average, middle-aged consumers devote 39 percent of their retail expenditure to department store products and services, while for younger consumers the average is only 25 percent. Since the number of middle-aged people will increase dramatically within the next decade, department stores can expect retail sales to increase significantly during that period. Furthermore, to take advantage of the trend, these stores should begin to replace some of those products intended to attract the younger consumer with products intended to attract the middle-aged consumer."

Discuss how well reasoned... etc.



The argument concludes that the department stores should replace the products targeting the younger customers with the ones for the middle-aged consumers. He provides two evidences to support his argument: First, middle-aged consumers tend to devote much more of their retail expenditure to department store compared to the younger consumers do. Second, the number of middle-aged people will even increase more within the next decade. However, these evidences rely on the assumptions that are not reasoned well enough, therefore, his argument fails to be logical.
First of all, the writer assumes that the total expenditures of individuals, regardless of their age groups, are equivalent or that the spendings of middle-age population exceeds that of younger generation. In fact, there is no clear evidence that middle-aged people spend more on retail products and services than the younger consumers do. It might be the case that middle-aged consumers spend only $500 a month when the younger people spend more than $1,000. In this case, the total amount on retail that older people spend a month is less than $200 when the younger people spend above $250. Therefore, if the author wants to strengthen his argument, he should provide the real numbers of the expenditures of the two consumer groups. When the author can prove that the middle-aged consumers actually spend as much as younger people on retail or more, the percentages of his evidences that support his argument will make more sense.
Also, the writer's argument relies on the assumption that there will be more middle-aged people than yonger people within the next decade. However, the total population of middle-aged people, however much they will dramatically increase in the near future, may not be over that of the younger people. For instance, even though the number of middle-aged population explodes from 500,000 to 1,000,000, it will be less than that of the younger generation which only maintained its number of 2,000,000. Therefore, the author should provide the statistics that show the actual population of each group to prove the number of middle-aged people will be big enough so that they need to target its market.
The author of the financial opinion column fails to be logical since the evidences he accordingly provides are depending on weak assumptions. However if he makes changes according to the suggestions made above, his writing will sound better and more persuading.

Katharine@GMATPrepNow wrote:Hello gettingwanderlust,

I hope that these comments help you as you're preparing.

Writing: I didn't catch that many mistakes, but make sure that you leave time to review your essay before submitting it. In the intro: "two evidences" should be "evidence." You should use evidence throughout, instead of "evidences." Perhaps you mean "examples" instead of "evidences." In the conclusion, you mean "evidence he provides depend on weak assumptions."

Structure: I like the intro because you quickly summarize the argument and show that you understand the prompt. Your body paragraphs are organized well, and your arguments follow each other logically. I think that you could have added a conclusion sentence just to round out the ending.

Arguments/Examples: I think that you found several different flaws in the argument and provided reasons for the argument to be invalid. I think that you could have shown another way to improve the argument, but you did have a few good examples. Overall this was a strong analysis of the essay prompt.

Suggestions for Improvement: I think that you did a pretty good job with this response! I'd put this in the 4.5-5.5 range. Points were lost for a few errors in the writing and the very short conclusion. I'd recommend that you write one more essay and then move on to other parts of the exam.

Hi Katharine! Thanks a lot for your review.
I have a question regarding the "evidences vs evidence" that you pointed out. I used the word "evidences" because I found 2 evidences that the author provides in order to support his argument. I wrote, "First, middle-aged consumers tend to devote much more of their retail expenditure to department store compared to the younger consumers do. Second, the number of middle-aged people will even increase more within the next decade. However, these evidences......" The 2 evidences are referred here with the indicators of "First" and "Second". Am I missing out something important here? Thanks!

Katharine@GMATPrepNow wrote:Hello gettingwanderlust,

I think there's a little confusion about the word itself. "Evidence" is a collective noun, which means that it's always singular and we don't say "evidences." As an example, "water" is a similar type of word. Would you ever say "I drank a lot of waters today?" No, it's still "water" even if you have several glasses. What you mean in your post is that the author has two major points in his argument, and he supports those points with examples. If you're tempted to use "evidences," just remember that we use it in the singular form. I hope that helps, but let me know if you have other questions.

I perfectly got what you mean now! Surprising how I never knew about this.. Thanks Katharine!!! Have a great one