GMAT Essays (AWA)

"Under Police Commissioner Draco, the city of Spartanburg began jailing people for committing petty crimes such as littering, shoplifting, and spraying graffiti. Criminals in Spartanburg must have understood that lawlessness would no longer be tolerated, because the following year Spartanburg saw a 20% drop in violent crimes such as homicide. Our town should learn from Commissioner Draco's success, and begin a large-scale crackdown on petty crime."

The argument concerns the policies of Draco, the new town commissioner.Draco employed new policies of jailing people for committing petty crimes such as littering, shoplifting etc.These policies have been attributed to have caused a deterrent effect on Spartunburg's violent crime rate.A neighboring town plans to employ a similar policy of jailing people for committing petty crimes such as littering, shoplifting etc.. The argument first assumes that the strictness on petty crime will deter people to commit violent crimes ,and second assumes that the new policy will have similar effects on the neighboring town.
Firstly, The argument suggests that the policy of jailing people for petty crimes has had a deterrent effect on the people of Spartanburg ,but doesn't provide any causal relation between the two types of crime. If only the new policy of jailing people for petty crimes has been implemented and punishments for people, who have committed violent crimes remains unchanged then the new policies will not instill fear in the people, who commit violent crimes.
Secondly,The argument doesn't consider the alternate explanations for the decrease in crime in Spartanburg. A more likely explanation for the decrease in crime could be the number of people jailed in the previous year before the new policy was put in action. This number could be abnormally high and thus could have reduced the total number of people ,who could have committed the crimes. The lower crime rate could be attributed to lower number of violent people rather than the new policy.
Thirdly,A policy that could have worked in one town will not necessarily work in another town.The argument must consider the reaction of people in the neighboring town.It could be a very bad idea to implement this new policy if a high percentage of people in neighboring town empathize with people,who are shoplifters or regularly commit petty crimes, and such a policy could result in a lot of people causing protests or even riots. If this fact is true the argument is significantly weakened.
The argument is weak and incoherent.It doesn't provide enough evidence as to why such a policy will have the intended effect.Since the argument doesn't explain how this new policy changed the crime rate, consider other different possibilities ,and effect of the policy on the neighboring town.This argument is flawed and can be improved .

Hi.

While I don't have that much experience in rating essays, I do have some comments for you.

- Draco is not not the new "town commissioner". He is the new "police commissioner. This is no big deal, but I guess I will mention it anyway.

- This "These policies have been attributed to have caused a deterrent effect on Spartunburg's violent crime rate." uses some good vocabulary words such as attributed to and deterrent. The thing is the way you put them together does not really make sense. Maybe you meant something more like "A drop in Spartanburg's violent crime rate has been attributed to deterrent effects of these policies."

- Generally, I would prefer the paragraphs to flow better and be more coherent and for the essay overall to be based more on solid logic.

For instance, in the second paragraph, rather than sticking with the lack of "any causal" relationship and discussing that idea further, you jumped into what is for the most part a different topic - the kinds of policies that would instill fear in people who commit violent crimes. So the logical development could be better and, if you do want to go to a new topic, the transition could be better.

- This sentence "Since the argument doesn't explain how this new policy changed the crime rate, consider other different possibilities ,and effect of the policy on the neighboring town." is not a complete sentence and the list within it is not parallel. The logic of what you are saying is not clear.

Overall this essay is a good start. The structure is ok and it does discuss and make clear some valid points, and it basically proves its conclusion. At the same time there are many grammatical errors and the logic and flow within paragraphs and sentences, and within the essay overall, could be tighter.

While I am certainly not any expert, I guess I would give it a 4.5.