GMAT Essays (AWA)

**GMAT WRITE ESSAY IS AFTER THIS ESSAY.

VERITAS:

The following appeared in the memo from the regional manager of the Luxe spa, a chain of high-end salons.
Over 75% of households in the town of parksboro have Jacuzzi bathtubs. In addition, the average family income in Parksboro is fifty percent higher than the national average, and a local store reports record-high sales of the most costly brands of hair and body products. With so much being spent on the personal care, Parksboro will be a profitable location for a new Luxe Spa - a salon that offers premium services at prices that are above average.

MY ESSAY

In the preceding memo, the regional manager concludes that Parksboro will be a profitable location for LUXE Spa. Manager supports his conclusion based on the evidences that in parksboro a lot of money is spent on Personal care products. At first this argument looks fine, but a closer look at the argument reveals the loopholes and flaws in reasoning of manager.

There are a lot of loopholes in the evidence provided by managers. Firstly, manager states that 75% of people have jacuzzi in home. But manager never states the actual number of people in parksboro. It could be possible that actual number of people in Parksboro is very less. Also, manager never stated anything about how more numbers of jacuzzi could relate to Luxe spa services or to personal care in general. Secondly, manager states that avg income of Parksboro citizen is 50% higher than the national avg. It is quite possible that the national avg income is very low. So a mere 50% high will also be not much. Thirdly, manager provides evidence of a local store report wherein sales of most costly brands are record high without proving the credibility of store's report. Also, It is not clear whether the report is representative of the sales of personal care products in Parksboro as a whole.

Besides unsubstantiated evidences, manager has made a lot of assumptions in the argument as well. Firstly, manager assumed that more % of jacuzzi means more actual number of the jacuzzis. Also, manager assumes that people with jacuzzi will be more conscious for personal care and will be keen on buying personal care products. Secondly, manager assumed that people have more income compared to national income and so they have more money available compared to other states to spend on personal care products. Thirdly, manager assumed that the local store is representative of the Parksboro population buying habits. Also manager assumed that the report is also representative of the stores sales figure in general. Fourthly, manager assumes that either there is/will be some surplus demand of spa facilities that will not be fulfilled by other competitors, Or if the surplus demand is not there, than people are not satisfied with the current levels of spa facilities available in parsbro.

On a whole, Manager could have supported his arguments by giving additional evidences about how the buying trends of parksboro people on personal care products are favorable for a brand like Luxe. He could have substantiated his premises by providing the actual numbers of households with jacuzzi. Also, he could have supported these numbers with how they are related with people buying spa facilities. Further, He could have also supported that an income 50% higher than national income is sufficient to indicate that people can afford such spa facilities. Moreover, he could have shown how the local store report is representative of Parksboro stores in general.

In sum, the manager's illogical argument is based on unsupported premises and unsubstantiated assumptions that render his conclusion invalid. Clearly, manager would have to largely restructure his argument, fix the flaws in his logic, clearly explicate his assumptions, and provide evidentiary support. Without these things, his poorly reasoned argument will likely convince few people.

someone Please examine my essay.

Need assistance. Please GMAT experts help me out here.

This essay was marked as non-scoreable because it may contain too many REPETITIOUS words or sentences.

An essay that is marked REPETITIOUS typically contains the same words, phrases, and even sentences used many times within the essay. A well-written essay will include many,different words and phrases to support its main idea.

Here are a few hints to help you improve your essay. Read over your work and pay attention to the following:

Read your writing out loud so you can hear the flow of your writing; often, reading what you wrote can help you find areas to improve the smoothness.
Use descriptive and sensory words to describe ideas and details; use your thesaurus or dictionary to find new words.
Try not to use the same word or transition over and over again. Use a variety of sentences with different lengths, structures, and beginnings.

I just wrote an essay in GMAT Write-2. I got the above quoted comments. What needs to be done now?
Any expert please help me out here.

imskpwr wrote:

This essay was marked as non-scoreable because it may contain too many REPETITIOUS words or sentences.

An essay that is marked REPETITIOUS typically contains the same words, phrases, and even sentences used many times within the essay. A well-written essay will include many,different words and phrases to support its main idea.

Here are a few hints to help you improve your essay. Read over your work and pay attention to the following:

Read your writing out loud so you can hear the flow of your writing; often, reading what you wrote can help you find areas to improve the smoothness.
Use descriptive and sensory words to describe ideas and details; use your thesaurus or dictionary to find new words.
Try not to use the same word or transition over and over again. Use a variety of sentences with different lengths, structures, and beginnings.

I just wrote an essay in GMAT Write-2. I got the above quoted comments. What needs to be done now?
Any expert please help me out here.

I edited my essay by removing one complete paragraph about assumptions and again submitted.
this time GMAT Write shows a score of "5"

Generally I use this template:
1. Introduction
2. Attack Evidence
3. Attack Assumption
4. Strengthen
5. My Conclusion

My essay at gmat write is below

Read the argument and the instructions that follow it, and then make any notes that will help you plan your response. Begin typing your response in the box at the bottom of the screen.

The following appeared in a memorandum from the director of research and development at Ready-to-Ware, a software engineering firm.

"The package of benefits and incentives that Ready-to-Ware offers to professional staff is too costly. Our quarterly profits have declined since the package was introduced two years ago, at the time of our incorporation. Moreover, the package had little positive effect, as we have had only marginal success in recruiting and training high-quality professional staff. To become more profitable again, Ready-to-Ware should, therefore, offer the reduced benefits package that was in place two years ago and use the savings to fund our current research and development initiatives."

In the above mentioned memorandum, the Director of Research and Development at Ready-to-Ware concludes that in order to become more profitable again, Ready-to-Ware should offer the reduced benefits package that was in place two years ago and use the savings to fund our current research and development initiatives. The conclusion is based on evidences that the package is too costly, package incorporation has implicitly caused decline in quaterly profits and package has only marginal success in recruiting and training high-quality professional staff. Clearly, there is a huge gap between the conclusion and evidences provided. The absence of sufficient evidences causes the reader to assume a lot.

There are many loopholes in the argument with the use of unsubstantiated evidences. Firstly, Director never mentioned anything about how quaterly profits have declined in Ready-to ware. Director mentioned that the profits declined after incorporation of package. Clearly, it is not necessary that the package was responsible for the decline profits. Secondly, director mentioned that package has marginal positive effect in recruiting and training high-quality professional staff. The director has not mentioned that these marginal positive effect has any bearing upon the current quarter profits. Thirdly, director claims that by offering the reduced benefits package that was in place two years ago and by using the savings to fund our current research and development initiatives, Ready-to-ware will be able to become more profitable again. Clearly, the director's arguments lacks a lot of explanation and director has assumeed a lot of the things that needs to be explicitly stated.

The director needs to strengthen his argument by substantiating his evidences and explicitly stating his assumptions in the arguments. Firstly, author needs to provide evidences to confirm that package was the sole reason for decline in profits. Secondly, the director needs to explicitly state that the marginal positive effect of package has no bearing upon the current quarter profits. Thirdly, director needs to clarify further that offering the reduced benefits package that was in place two years ago and using the savings to fund our current research and development initiatives, are sufficient to guarantee that Ready-to-ware will be able to become more profitable again.

In sum, director needs to remove a lot of loopholes without which his/her argument stands convincable for the reader. In presence of these loopholes, his argument falls apart.