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PLS Give some suggestion / feed back. want to impove - Argum

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GmatWar Just gettin' started! Default Avatar
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PLS Give some suggestion / feed back. want to impove - Argum Post Tue Aug 12, 2008 7:26 am
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    The author cites that a study os high school shows that the percentage of students who graduate on time is higher for private schools than for public schools.The author concludes that the parents who want their children to graduate from high school on time should send them to private school. On the first sight this seens to be the obvious solution but on a closer look, the author's argument is not only flawed but also unconvincing as it stands.

    First of all, the author cites that a study of high school shows that the percentage of students who graduate on time is higher for private schools than for public schools. But the author has not provided any information of how the study was carried out, who were the respondants, what was the duration of the study that is whether the study was carried out for 1 or 2 days or for 1 or 2 years or may be even more. The author has not provided any informtion, whether the results of the study are representative and whether it applies to all the high school students of all the years.

    Second, the author cites that the percentage of students who graduate on-time is higher for private schools than for public schools. The author has merely provided the reletive comparison by comparing the percentage of students graduating on-time from public schools to that of private schools. Perhaps the number on studends who attend public school is much more than that for the private school and the actual number per hundred or pre thousand of studends graduating on-time from public schools is much much larger than for private school. The author has not provided any information on the actual number of students graduating on-time in both public and private schools.

    Thirdly, the author conclusion is based on the students graduating on-time in both public and private schools. But the author's use of the word on-time is ambigious. It can perhaps be the case that the public schools have mandated 1 year teaching for studends before they actually recieve their graduation certificates. Also, it can be a case that the duration of course's at public schools are more comprehensive and exhaustive and for this reason they are longer than the same courses at private schools which are not that comprehensive or exhasutive. The author should provide more information to bolster her point.

    Finally, the author concludes that the parents who want their children to graduate from high school on time should send them to private school. The author has not provided any information whether the studens graduating ontime from private schools are getting better opportunities than the students who are graduating from the public schools not on-time. If the studens who are not gratuating ontime from public schools are getting bigger and better opportunities than the students who are graduating ontime from private schools the parents will find public schools more attractive than private schools.

    In sum, the author's argument is not pursuasive and convincing as it stands. Had it included the aforementioned points the author would have not only strenghtened and bolstered his argument but also would have made his argument more pusuasive and convincing.

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    VP_Jim GMAT Instructor Default Avatar
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    Post Tue Aug 12, 2008 2:11 pm
    This is very good - I don't really have any comments to add other than this is an exemplary way to structure an Analysis of the Argument essay. I'll give you a 6. Keep it up!

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    Jim S. | GMAT Instructor | Veritas Prep

    GmatWar Just gettin' started! Default Avatar
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    Post Fri Aug 15, 2008 2:32 pm
    VP_Jim wrote:
    This is very good - I don't really have any comments to add other than this is an exemplary way to structure an Analysis of the Argument essay. I'll give you a 6. Keep it up!
    Hi Jim,

    Thanx a lot for that 6 Very Happy

    This is the first time i have ever received a 6 on essay. I am very happy. This has really boosted my confidence.
    Very Happy

    seenu Just gettin' started! Default Avatar
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    Post Sat Dec 13, 2008 1:17 am
    ESSAY QUESTION:
    The following appeared in the editorial section of a national news magazine:

    "The rating system for electronic games is similar to the movie rating system in that it provides consumers with a quick reference so that they can determine if the subject matter and contents are appropriate. This electronic game rating system is not working because it is self regulated and the fines for violating the rating system are nominal. As a result an independent body should oversee the game industry and companies that knowingly violate the rating system should be prohibited from releasing a game for two years."

    Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.

    -----------MY ESSAY STARTS HERE------------

    The author concludes that electronic game rating system is not working compared to the movie rating system. He gives reasoning for the argument by stating that electronic companies ability to self manage and regulate the rating system is part of the problem. Author also gives reason for what needs to be done in order for electronic rating system to work, but his reasons are weak. In the next few paragraphs, I will explain why the author's reasons are weak and what could strengthen the argument.

    First, the author mentions that by hiring an independent company to oversee the operation of the electronic rating system would solve the issue. This big assumption that author makes here is that he assumes independent company would do a better job in rating games than electronic game companies themselves. If the electronic gaming companies had a better understanding on how to improve, they might themselves do a better job than independent company to oversee the ratings.

    Second, the author mentions that if an electronic company violates the rating system rule, then the penalty would be to prohibit that company from releasing any games for two years. This is another weak point the makes to support his argument because if the electronic company regular product-life cycle is to release each gave ever two years, this penalty wouldn't hurt the company at all. Also, there is not way of assessing how many year of prohibition would be adequate.

    Author could have strengthen his argument, if he provided some data point such as from the movie industry to defend this stance that making independent company oversee and prohibition of movie release actually worked in the long-run. Perhaps, some research data that showed making these changes would actually work, would benefit the author's overall argument stance.

    Therefore, the author's argument that electronic game rating system is not working is weak. Both of the points he made regarding independent company oversee and violation penalty are weak without data showing that it might work.

    carolchenpku Just gettin' started! Default Avatar
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    Post Tue Apr 02, 2013 9:04 pm
    My essay in response to the argument above regarding the rating system governance of electronic games industry:

    "In this passage, the author made a few assumptions which undermine his reasoning string regarding the governance of electronic games industry.
    First of all, the author assumed that self regulated system cannot work, hence the in-question industry is bound to face a failed rating mechanism. This point is very subjective, lack of sound evidence or statistics to back it up. There are plenty of self-regulation examples out there across a wild range of industries that are helping us to manage ourselves and the planet where we live. The most convenient example could be the MBA schools ranking, among official or non official publications such as FT, the WSJ, etc. Without a specific institution to govern and supervise how different organization, including the schools themselves, evaluate each business education program, those rankings still seem to be wildly recognized and accepted by MBA candidates, applicants, admission committee members.
    In addition, it sounds like the author of the argument regard fine for rule violation as an important tool to gauge whether the rule itself is effective. It also exist abundance of examples that show heavy fine or penalty is not a guarantee for rules effectiveness. Heavy fine often risks discouraging the participation of the whole rating system. If interested parties grow slimmer and slimmer, in long run the rating system is bound to fail because nobody will participate!
    Moreover, the solution proposed by author, founding an independent body for oversight, and punishment of release suspend for two years for the violating companies, are likewise not guarantee for a successful rating system. As to the former remedy, whether this independent outsider has adequate knowledge to provide effective and efficient supervision is the question to ask. The latter measure, simply won’t work on the companies who only retail sell or rent but not produce new games!
    On hinder sight, the diagnose of the author towards electronic games rating system, could have been more logically sound, the remedy provided been more effective had there been more background information and additional statistics at disposal. For example, answers to questions like what are the criteria used to evaluate the rating system’s effectiveness would be definitely helpful for the remedy selection. "

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