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## please review my passage and give feedback

This topic has 2 member replies
conquistador Master | Next Rank: 500 Posts
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#### please review my passage and give feedback

Fri Oct 28, 2016 9:26 pm
Source: gmat ep2

Quote:
The producers of the forthcoming movie 3003 will be most likely to maximize their profits if they are willing to pay Robin Good several million dollars to star in it - even though that amount is far more than any other person involved in the movie will make. After all, Robin has in the past been paid a similar amount to work in several films that were very financially successful.
The entertainment magazine claims that movie 3003 will make maximum profits for its producers if they star Robin good in it. It assumes that Robin presence and his fame can reap profits out of the movie even if the pay is very high in comparison with his costars. This argument is based on several assumptions as explained below.

Primarily, the author assumed vaguely that the movie will reap profits only because of Robin good's performance whereas in reality several factors such as script, direction, plot of the movie and other factors are important for the movie to come out really well. There are several instances where even finance, distibution and marketing will also impact the profit section. Even if Robin alone performs really good that may not suffice and it is hillarious even to assume so.

The amount payed to robin can be be more than any other person involved with the movie as it happens with many successful persons all around the world. But still there is no reason to assume that the pay will really do justice to the movie. Famous actors or technicians who performed really well in many of their movies tend to take on their stardom on to their head and perform really pathetic in few movies. Moreover if the producer does not cast a proper director for the movie or there is any other reason, even top performer cannot do justice to his role.

Jut because he is paid more in his previous movies does not become a valid reason why he should be paid the same amount in this movie. What if the role of Robin is really small in movie 3003, whereas his role may be different or full fedged in other movies where he was paid such huge amount to work. Also those movies in which he performed with huge pay and are financially successful may have met with success for different reasons other than Robin's performance alone. Or it may be just a matter of coincidene that his movies did really well and he may not be the reason for the movies to do so.

The argument on the whole is really unfounded on several assumptions as above and is really weak. The author must back the arguemnt with additional data related his movie and other factors needed to make his movie successful and also factors that must have worked behind the those other successful movies in which robin worked. As is the claim of the magazine is completely vague without proper information.

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conquistador Master | Next Rank: 500 Posts
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Sat Oct 29, 2016 6:30 am
Thanks marty for your kind words and feeback.
I'll surely consider these aspects before my next essay.

### Top Member

Marty Murray Legendary Member
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Sat Oct 29, 2016 6:06 am
Hi Meera.

The structure of this essay is better than that of your previous essays, at least the ones that have I read. The paragraphs are fairly coherently focused on topics and the flow, while it could be even better, works fine.

Meanwhile, your wording is also much better. In previous essays, you did things like leaving out articles, making the writing choppy and not well constructed. In this essay the sentences flow much better. Nice.

Ok, now for some ideas.

I think you could do better with comma use.

Two could be used here, "Even if Robin alone performs really good [comma] that may not suffice [comma] and ..."

One could go here too, "... because of Robin good's performance [comma] whereas in reality ...

In other places you got the commas right.

In these two places you used adjectives where adverbs are called for.

"Even if Robin alone performs really good [well]"

"and perform really pathetic [pathetically] in few movies."

Also, I think you could pay more attention to what you are saying to make sure that it is logical.

Check this out. based = founded.

You say this.

"This argument is based on several assumptions ..."

Then you say this.

"The argument on the whole is really unfounded on several assumptions ..."

While the first makes some sense, the second does not, and the second does not really agree with the first.

Is it founded(based) or unfounded? See what I mean?

I think that maybe you mean something along the lines of that the argument is "based on unwarranted assumptions." What you write could better reflect what you are thinking. Maybe you could improve the logic of your writing by getting things more straight in your mind and then more carefully choosing wording that accurately reflects what you have in mind.

Is the argument based on assumptions or unfounded on assumptions? Is it the argument that is unfounded? or the assumptions that are unfounded? Are the assumptions unfounded or flawed or unwarranted? To improve your writing, get those things straight.

Here's another example.

"But still there is no reason to assume that the pay will really do justice to the movie."

Do you really mean something along the lines of that there is no reason to assume that the pay is justified? or that the pay result in success?

You did use the idiom "do justice" correctly here.

"even top performer cannot "do justice" to his role."

So maybe you could have though more about what to use in the prior sentence.

Finally while some of your paragraphs are coherently constructed, Yay!, others could be better.

The second paragraph stays on topic and flows well. The fourth paragraph, in contrast, starts off in one direction, comparison between this Robin's role and pay in this movie and his role and pay in others, and then abruptly shifts to another, possible lack of connection between Robin and his pay and the success of other movies. So I guess all of the paragraph is about Robin's pay. At the same time, it jumps from one sub topic to another and does not flow all that well.

Overall, clearly your writing is improving in terms of structure, word choice and overall flow. At the same time, you could make it still better by continuing to refine the logic of your thinking and writing while paying more attention to little details such as punctuation and correct use of modifiers.

Nice progress! What a great example of how persistence can pay off.

_________________
Marty Murray
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http://infinitemindprep.com/
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