GMAT Essays (AWA)

ESSAY QUESTION:
“Poor health and high stress levels diminish the productivity of today’s office workers. In order to maximize profits, companies need to provide white-collar employees with free exercise facilities and free wellness classes.”

In your opinion, how accurate is the view expressed above? Use reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading to develop your position.

YOUR RESPONSE:
The present jobs of white-collar employees are more mentally intensive and less physically intensive. I agree with the author that, this makes the employee less productive in the long run. Without required amount of physical activity, employees are vulnerable to obesity and obesity associated diseases. Let us examine some of the issues on why exercise facilities becomes a necessity in today's corporate world.

On an average today's employees spend 40-50 hours in front of computers every week and the amount of physical exercise we do is diminishing. In the earlier days, people used to walk more and sit less. Imagine a simple task of sending a letter. People had to write letters, fix postage and post it in the post-box whereas now we just sit in front of computer and press a few keys to write a mail and with a push of a button we send it. With the internet revolution, even daily tasks such as food, shopping, entertainment, etc. demand lesser physical exertion. With the increasing per capita income of employees in the developed world, the access to high calorie food is easy. This increases the chances of obesity in the employees.

The challenge is to avoid being obese. When we eat more than what our body requires, we get in to the trap of storing the excess calorie as fat. The fat we store is hard to burn and causes chronic diseases related to heart and brain which causes stroke,hypertension and heart attacks. Obesity is the state of being overweight which is the starting point of all the fat related disorders. It is already well established by the scientific community that being obese causes a person to be less productive. A 5kg overweight person can be compared to a pregnant lady who is struggling to do her day to day chores. Thus, the only way to avoid this trap is to exercise to burn the excess calories.

Exercising regularly not only keep us healthy but also makes us more active due to the enhanced blood circulation. The broadening of the blood vessels due to the extensive physical activity makes the body less prone to any coronary heart diseases and

Thus, the author's recommendation on companies having free exercise and wellness facilities is well thought. It addresses the key concern of white-collar employees lacking exercise. This recommendation would definitely save companies costs as it is taking preemptive measures to mitigate the issues related to obesity.

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The following appeared in the editorial section of a national news magazine:

"The rating system for electronic games is similar to the movie rating system in that it provides consumers with a quick reference so that they can determine if the subject matter and contents are appropriate. This electronic game rating system is not working because it is self regulated and the fines for violating the rating system are nominal. As a result an independent body should oversee the game industry and companies that knowingly violate the rating system should be prohibited from releasing a game for two years."

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.

YOUR RESPONSE:
The argument brings up a well intended issue of the rating system for electronic games not being accurate. The author's argument assumes that the movie rating is flawless but fails the reasons behind it. The author leaves us to infer that the movie ratings are accurate from the criticisms he makes about the electronic game ratings which is unacceptable. The author also doesn't justify clearly why the movie ratings and the electronic game ratings are similar.

Firstly, the author's justification on why movie ratings and electronic game ratings are similar is insufficient. The aspect of quick reference on the subject matter and contents may not be the only reason why people look at the ratings. For electronic games, information such as age group, language, brand compatibility, special accessories, etc. are some of the supplementary information which also determine the rating. These aspects may not be so important for the movie ratings. So the author needs to quantify the scope of the ratings and define clearly what does movie or electronic rating mean in the discussion. This will ensure that we compare similar items.

Secondly, the accuracy of movie ratings are questionable. The author needs to substantiate his findings with statistics,facts & figures to justify that the movie ratings are accurate. This will give more strength to his argument. The suggestion of an independent body to oversee the violations is a good idea, but the author has not mentioned on the proposal of implementing the same. The independent body would have associated costs related to its day to day operations and payments of salary to the governing body. There needs to be a concrete plan on how the fund is going to be raised.

Finally, The author's recommendation to ban the companies from releasing a game for two years for violating the rating system seems to stringent. Alternatively, a financial strain imposed with the help of hefty fines would be more realistic. Imposing stringent punishments might have a negative implication and companies might avoid getting rated as it is not mandatory.

To sum, the author's criticism has a point but lacks strength in many fronts. If the flaws mentioned above are addressed the argument would be more persuasive and influence the chances of chance that electronic gaming industries getting rated more accurately.

Hi I think both your essays are well written and cover the subjects very well i think i would give you a 5 - 6 on both of them. Did you really write these in 30 minutes?

Yes for sure they were written in 30mins. I wrote it as a part of my 4hour test. Thanks for your time. Really appreciate that.

I did notice some grammatical mistakes on subject-verb agreement though. May be more to unfold. Would love to hear from more people.

Thanks in advance.

YOUR RESPONSE:
The present jobs of white-collar employees are more mentally intensive and less physically intensive than they were in the past. I agree with the author that (removed comma) this makes the employee less productive in the long run. Without a required amount of physical activity, employees are vulnerable to obesity and the resulting diseases. Let us examine some of the issues on why exercise facilities becomes a necessity in today's corporate world.

On (removed "an") average. today's employees spend 40-50 hours in front of computers every week and the amount of physical exercise they do is diminishing. In the past, people used to walk more and sit less. Imagine a simple task of sending a letter. People had to write letters, fix postage and post it in the post-box, whereas now they just sit in front of computer and press a few keys to write a mail and with a push of a button they send it. With the internet revolution, even daily tasks such as eating, shopping, aand (need verb instead of entertainment), (removed etc.) demand less physical exertion. With the increasing per capita income of employees in the developed world, the access to high calorie food is easy. This increases the chances of obesity in the employees.

The challenge is to avoid being obese. When we eat more than what our body requires, we get in to the trap of storing the excess calories as fat. The fat we store is hard to burn and causes chronic diseases related to heart and brain which causes stroke,hypertension and heart attacks (this sentence runs on). Obesity is the state of being overweight which is the starting point of all the obesity related disorders. It is already well established by the scientific community that being obese causes a person to be less productive. A 5kg overweight person (awkward phrasing) can be compared to a pregnant lady who is struggling to do her day to day chores. Thus, the only way to avoid this trap is to exercise to burn the excess calories.

Exercising regularly not only keeps people healthy but also makes them more active due to the enhanced blood circulation (does the increased blood circulation cause people to be more active or is it the other way around?). The broadening of the blood vessels due to the extensive physical activity makes the body less prone to any coronary heart diseases and

Thus, the author's recommendation on companies having free exercise and wellness facilities is well thought. It addresses the key concern of white-collar employees lacking exercise. This recommendation would definitely save companies costs as it is taking preemptive measures to mitigate the issues related to obesity (this action does not lessen the effect of obesity, it intends to prevent it altogether).

I did one, the changes are in bold and suggestions are in parentheses. In my opinion, you spend too much time setting up your point and not enough time delivering it. You briefly state your position in the first paragraph, and then again in the closing paragrapg, but most of the body of the essay is wasted detailing the ills of obesity and benefits of exercise. Everyone would probably agree that obesity is bad and exercise is good. I think the real issue here is whether it is the company's responsibility to provide the facilities mentioned in the prompt. If you are in favor, I would focus on how this will improve profitability for the company. If against, my stance would be that the company gives the employee a salary that they can choose to spend on anything they want, including exercise.

I really think you just follow the formula. Summarize the point in the prompt, then state your position. Use the body of the essay develop two strong points to support your position. Use the closing paragraph to summarize your argument, and possibly suggest an alternative that will be backed up by your supporting evidence.

Keeping it shorter will allow you more time to check for grammar and make sure you are getting the point across that you want.