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please rate my essay

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please rate my essay

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preetha_85 Rising GMAT Star Default Avatar
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please rate my essay Post Thu Aug 14, 2008 1:05 pm
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  • Lap #[LAPCOUNT] ([LAPTIME])
    For hundreds of years, the monetary system of most countries has been based on the exchange of metal coins and printed pieces of paper.However because of recent developments in technology the international community
    should consider replacing the entire system of coins and paper with a system of electronic accounts of credits and debits.



    I totally agree with the author in that the current system of exchange of coins/notes needs to be replaced with a totally electronic system. In my discussion I would like to put forth points as to why I think it would be favourable that the system be totally replaced with an electronic version.

    The government spends a considerable amount of tax payer money in just printing notes and minting coins, so much so that amount of money spent on minting lower denomination of coins is more than the value of the coin. This expense can be
    considerably reduced if the electronic system is implememted. Many would argue that implementing an electronic system
    would require substantial amount of money for setting up the required infrastructure. However that is not the case since most of the infrastructure is already set up. The no.of shops/companies that do not use the electronic form of payment
    are by far very few in number. Also in todays world almost every individual possess credit cards and every one of them would vouch for its convenience.

    Moreover if this system is in place one need not fear robbery since nobody will be carrying large amounts of cash. This would automatically bring down the crime rate, since most robbers are intrested only in cash and not other
    precious valuables. The problem of printing of fake notes by anti social elements will also be eliminated.

    Furthermore with an electronic system in place,every transaction that takes place will be recorded. This being the case the government agencies will have access to all this information which might be of great use.For example law enforcement agencies will be able to keep track of money transactions of criminals
    and terrorists when high amounts of money are being transferred into their accounts.


    In conclusion I would like to reiterate that switching to the electronic system will prove extremely beneficial to the country and society at large.

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    VP_Jim GMAT Instructor Default Avatar
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    Post Sat Aug 16, 2008 11:27 am
    Not bad, but a couple comments:

    1. Try to back up all your points with specific, real world examples. So, you might want to say something like "a recent article in the New York times found that over 75% of all robberies involved the stealing of cash" or something like that. Aim for one such example in every paragraph. This will strengthen your argument.

    2. Don't use the words "I" or "me" or "my" or any variation thereof. It's generally bad form to write in the first person. Also, don't say things such as "I'd like to...". This will tighten up your writing a bit.

    3. Finally, practice writing introductions. Your first paragraph should restate the issue, state your position (without using "I"), and quickly list the reasons you agree or disagree.

    I'll give you a 3 on this, but you could definitely improve quite a bit!

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    preetha_85 Rising GMAT Star Default Avatar
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    Post Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:18 pm
    Hi

    Thanks a lot... but since I found the topic abstract..can I make up my own "real world examples".. is that k ?

    Will it suffice if the essay is about 300 words.. ?

    Thanks again

    VP_Jim GMAT Instructor Default Avatar
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    Post Sat Aug 16, 2008 1:03 pm
    It's better to use real examples, but it's also okay to make up "real" examples - do try to base them somewhat in reality, though!

    As for length, longer essays are usually going to score higher, all other things being equal. I would imagine that 300 words is good - my advice is aim for five paragraphs, each with four or five sentences. You don't need to go longer than that.

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    aj5105 GMAT Titan Default Avatar
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    Post Sat Aug 30, 2008 2:44 am
    Yes,the topic looks very abstract,but i liked the way you have come up with some good points.

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