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Please rate my essay (issue)

This topic has 2 member replies

Rate my essay (issue)

6
 
100% (1 votes)
5
 
0% (0 votes)
4
 
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Shyam22 Newbie | Next Rank: 10 Posts Default Avatar
Joined
16 Aug 2008
Posted:
3 messages

Please rate my essay (issue)

Post Sat Aug 16, 2008 2:49 pm
Elapsed Time: 00:00
  • Lap #[LAPCOUNT] ([LAPTIME])
    Hi,

    I am a newbie here. Please rate my essay so I'll get a glimpse of where do I stand.

    AWA ESSAYS: Analyze Issues
    ESSAY QUESTION:
    "Parents should not shoulder the full burden of their children's college tuition. If university students are required to pay for at least a portion of their education, they will take their studies more seriously and, ultimately, benefit more from their college experience."

    Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the position stated above. Support your viewpoint using reasons and examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

    YOUR RESPONSE:
    The issue at hand debates over the parent's share of responsibility in funding the college tuition fee for their children. While there are different views on this topic, I prefer the suggested approach of getting the children involved in shouldering the responsibility.

    Firstly, when parents don't bear the full cost of the tuition fee, it relieves them of some pressure that has been mounting since years. Most parents worry about their kid's college tuition even before their child has started attending school. Some parents are wealthy enough to support their children financially for college fees, however for those parents who don't have necessary funds, it remains as a black spot that lack of money would hinder the progress of their child. The situation is even worse with parents that have multiple children.

    Secondly, when children are actively involved in the process of earning money to pay off a part of the tuition fee, they realize the gravity of the situation. A child who has paid for the part of the college fee is more likely to take the studies seriously than someone whose parents took care of the financial matters. A classic example of this would be McDonalds. In the early days of its establishment, McDonalds top executives soon found out that the branch managers considered themselves detached from the branch as a whole and thus were less involved, less responsible and consequently less productive. The management decided to make these managers as the owners of their individual branches which resulted in an upward spike in the profit scale. The reason behind it was - Active involvement.

    Finally, the one loose end that this issue has is over the percentage share a child can burden himself/herself with. This is a decision that can be mutually arrived by both parents and the children. Moreover, a team work between parents and children is definitely better than if only one party was involved.

    In conclusion, the idea that a children can share some of the financial responsibilities in regards to the college tuition fee with their parents is novel and would certainly help both the parties - Parents by unburdening a part of their share and children by helping them understand the value of money.

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    VP_Jim GMAT Instructor Default Avatar
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    Post Mon Aug 18, 2008 7:57 pm
    Welcome! You're off to a nice start here. Here are a few things to work on:

    1. First and foremost, make sure you have a specific and real world example in every body paragraph to back up your points. Your McDonalds example was good - aim for more like that!

    2. Write a bit more in your intro. Include a thesis sentence and quickly list out the points you're going to discuss in your essay.

    3. Small thing: try not to use "I" "me" or "my" in your writing. This is generally bad form but not a big deal.

    I'll give you a 4, could be a 6 with some examples and a stronger intro. Good work!

    _________________
    Jim S. | GMAT Instructor | Veritas Prep

    Shyam22 Newbie | Next Rank: 10 Posts Default Avatar
    Joined
    16 Aug 2008
    Posted:
    3 messages
    Post Tue Aug 19, 2008 3:48 am
    Thanks a lot Jim, for the comments. I knew my intro was going to be a problem. I wrote it in the end along with the conclusion and hence spent less time on both than the body paragraphs.

    As far as the real world examples go, I'd certainly point out more in the body paragraphs from hereafter.

    Can you suggest a way to say that a particular view on the topic is chosen/preferred/appealing without using the "I" statements?

    Again, your help is very much appreciated!

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