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please rate essays

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molt_llest Rising GMAT Star Default Avatar
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please rate essays Post Sat May 24, 2008 2:49 am
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  • Lap #[LAPCOUNT] ([LAPTIME])
    I'm quite lost in the essays, i need your opinion. I know I don't write very well but I don't know wether I write very bad.

    Analysis of an Argument
    Question Stimulus

    The following appeared in the opinion column of a financial magazine.

    "On average, middle-aged consumers devote 39 percent of their retail expenditure to department store products and services, while for younger consumers the average is only 25 percent. Since the number of middle-aged people will increase dramatically within the next decade, department stores can expect retail sales to increase significantly during that period. Furthermore, to take advantage of the trend, these stores should begin to
    replace some of those products intended to attract the younger consumer with products intended to attract the middle-aged consumer."

    Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.

    Question Answer

    The argument is clear but can be flawed easily, since it doesn't support on any example or study.

    First of all, the argument assumes that if middle-aged consumers nowadays devote 39 percent of their retail expenditure to department store products, the future middle aged consumers (The ones who now are youngers) will have the same consuming behaviour. This assumption is clearly flawed when we compare the consuming behaviour on retail expenditure between 1970's and 1980's.
    The argument also states that stores should begin to replace some of those products intended to attract the younger consumer with products intended to attract the middle-aged consumer. Since the future middle-aged consumers will be the nowadays younder consumers, not attracting the younger consumers now would mean that the potential middle-aged consumers will be buying in other stores, and therefore will not buy on those stores that they won't know.

    Finaly, for all explained above the argument is flawed in his main assumption and his conclusion.








    Analysis of an Issue

    Question Stimulus

    "Previous failure in some enterprise is essential if one is to become a successful leader."

    Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your position with reasons and/or examples from your experience, observations, or reading.

    Question Answer

    I disagree with the opinion because is not essential to had failed in some enterprise to become a successful leader.

    Leaders need to manage many things, like mood, ambition, fidelity or motivation of their employees. And the skills needed to be successful are not only learned in enterprise but also in other experiences of live.

    For instance, learning how to motivate a group can be learned training a basketball team. Being a traineer is possible to learn what happend to a group when fails, and from that experience be able to handle a failure in an enterprise. Also being a traineer is possible to learn what happend when there are problems within a group of people that work together, or what happend when a difficult goal is needed to be achieved.
    All these experiences learning out of an enterprise are very valuable for a successful leader and is not necessary to learn those from a failure in some enterprise.

    For the reason and the example stated above I disagree with the opinon that previous failure in some enterprise is essential if one is to become a successful leader.

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    VP_Jim GMAT Instructor Default Avatar
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    Post Sat May 24, 2008 7:22 pm
    Hi,

    Here are my thoughts on the first essay (analysis of an argument):

    You're on the right track, but you need to write more! I know, they say that length doesn't matter... but it does to a certain extent. A lengthy essay is more likely to hit all the desired points and develop them more fully.

    One easy way to elongate your essay is to write a full paragraph (at least three or four sentences) for your introduction and conclusion. Also try to have three body paragraphs - one for each point (your points are great, by the way - nice job spotting assumptions).

    Finally, you should try to write a bit about how the author could have strengthened the argument (e.g., by including more information, by citing a scientific study, whatever).

    I'd give you a 3 for now - but you could easily score much higher if you develop your essay a bit more.

    Good luck!

    _________________
    Jim S. | GMAT Instructor | Veritas Prep

    VP_Jim GMAT Instructor Default Avatar
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    Post Sat May 24, 2008 7:28 pm
    And here are my thoughts on the second (analysis of an issue) essay:

    Once again, the biggest problem is that your essay is too short. See above about writing introductions and conclusions. Also, aim to think of three points you can discuss, devoting a full body paragraph to each. Each point you make should be backed up with a specific, real world example - proper nouns (e.g., the name of a specific person or company, or a work of literature, etc.) make the best examples. Avoid general or hypothetical examples (e.g., "a trainer").

    Finally, a minor point: avoid using personal pronouns ("I", "me", "my", etc.) in your essays. It's not a big deal, but it's generally not good writing.

    I'd give this one a 2 or a 3, but again, you could just as easily get a 5 or 6 if you developed your writing more fully.

    _________________
    Jim S. | GMAT Instructor | Veritas Prep

    molt_llest Rising GMAT Star Default Avatar
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    Post Sun May 25, 2008 12:04 am
    Thank you very much!! I'll work from these advises, next week I'll post my new essays. I hope they'll be better!

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