Please mark my essay on a scale of 1-5 and comment

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Topic-Many lives might be saved if inoculations against cow flu were routinely administered to all people in areas where the disease is detected.However,since there is a small possibility that a person will die as a result of inoculations,we cannot permit it to be routinely administered.
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The conclusion that inoculations cannot be permitted because a person may die is flawed.It considers an effect for a cause to be the only reason and does not give a thought to other reasons.

Firstly,death may happen because of many other reasons even if the person is given a dose of injection.He may carry other weaknesses as well which make him/her visit hospital in the first place.Many other diseases or common ailments may cause low immunity .


Secondly, it could be coincidental that a person may die when he is administered with a dose.It is possible that the person may pick up a disease in the hospital or the place where he is administering the dose.Many people catch flu when they accompany a patient .

Thirdly, many more people will die if permission is not granted for vaccination.Cow flu is dangerous disease and is also communicable.It may spread if people are not immunized already.

Since the author concludes from a small piece of data ,i believe that permission must be granted for immunization to continue.

(181 words)

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by Katharine@GMATPrepNow » Sun Mar 15, 2015 11:19 am
Hello src_saurav,

I hope that these comments help you prepare for the GMAT.

Writing: Make sure to leave spaces between periods/commas and the following words. This problem occurs throughout your essay. There are some phrases where I think you missed a word: "people catch THE flu" and "the author DRAWS A CONCLUSION from a small piece of data" are more clear than what you have now.

Structure: This is too short! You were able to address the argument briefly, and your examples did not go in-depth. The intro needs to summarize the author's argument, and the conclusion should restate at least part of that argument and the reason that it is flawed.

Arguments/Examples: While you did find some good reasons to disagree with the argument, you need to connect these examples back to the essay prompt in a clearer way. The second body paragraph doesn't mention immunization at all. In the conclusion, you state your opinion and say that immunization should continue, which is not the goal of this essay. You need to analyze the argument, NOT provide your own opinion.

Suggestions for Improvement: You should do more essays as practice. I doubt that this essay would get a two or higher, because it showed your opinion instead of focusing on the argument and was too short to show substantial analysis. You will get a higher score once you practice more, so don't be discouraged.

Make sure that you use official GMAT prompts as you're reviewing. They can be found here: https://www.mba.com/us/the-gmat-exam/gma ... ument.aspx

GMAT Prep Now has some helpful free videos that will point you in the right direction:
- AWA Section Overview- https://www.gmatprepnow.com/module/gmat- ... ent?id=765
- Argument Essay Overview- https://www.gmatprepnow.com/module/gmat- ... ent?id=769
- Generating Points for the Argument Essay- https://www.gmatprepnow.com/module/gmat- ... ent?id=770
- Writing the AWA Argument Essay- https://www.gmatprepnow.com/module/gmat- ... ent?id=771
- General Tips- https://www.gmatprepnow.com/module/gmat- ... ent?id=772
Katharine Rudzitis - BA
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