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MY FIRST ESSAY .please evaluate.:)

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boyara Junior | Next Rank: 30 Posts Default Avatar
Joined
06 Feb 2008
Posted:
11 messages
Target GMAT Score:
700

MY FIRST ESSAY .please evaluate.:)

Post Thu Feb 07, 2008 10:38 pm
Elapsed Time: 00:00
  • Lap #[LAPCOUNT] ([LAPTIME])
    MY FIRST ESSAY .PLEASE RATE AND BE FRANK .WANNA LEARN FOR MY MISTAKES.

    ARGUMENT:
    "multinational corporations shape and distorts cultural pattern in developing countries ,moreover Westernization is a treat to culture of non-western countries ."

    The author's opinion that multinational corporations shape and distorts cultural pattern in developing countries ,moreover Westernization is a treat to culture of non-western countries is an interesting one . This opinion is appealing at the start but on closer scrunity it falls apart on many factors. I strongly disagree with the author's opinion . I consider this opinion of the author as a hasty generilization.

    Now a question arises What exactly constitutes culture of a nation ? For instance I believe Indian culture includes respecting elders ,morality,believe and pray God and moreover there is no way Westernization would affect this culture .For instance Shivsena activists in India think that celeration of Valentines day is against Indian culture . However the same Shivsena party's leader had a huge birthday celeration and celebrating birthday is not an Indian culture either. I think multinational corporations helps in development of the economy . Furthermore changes the life style of the people but never distorts cultural pattern .

    Considering the fact that as the passage of time the trends of the people of a nation keep changing,I do agree that economy increase is a major factor for this moderinization.For instance in Bangalore the growth of IT resulted in moderinization of city with incresing economy and consequent increase in number of malls ,fun zones .But generizing this as a threat to culture is wrong notion.For example even today the celeberation of Bangalore Habba is as grand as it was before with a pintch of mordernization in it.

    Finally, I concluded multinational corporations are never a treat to the culture of non western counties.The argument is a result of speculation made by author based on assumptions on considerate amount of data .Incase the above factors considered then it would render the argument irrufitible. To sumup the opinion is just a hololistic picture of superflous claims being made .



    Last edited by boyara on Fri Feb 08, 2008 4:58 am; edited 1 time in total

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    boyara Junior | Next Rank: 30 Posts Default Avatar
    Joined
    06 Feb 2008
    Posted:
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    Target GMAT Score:
    700
    Post Thu Feb 07, 2008 11:21 pm
    I know there a plently of spelling mistakes ,was in a hurry .Will work on it .

    please rate it..thank you..

    parore26 Master | Next Rank: 500 Posts Default Avatar
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    Post Fri Feb 08, 2008 8:10 am
    There were lots of spelling mistakes but there were also a lot of grammatical errors. Where did you find this argument? The argument itself is laden with errors. I gave you a 3 because you took a side and presented specific examples against the argument and with your position.

    One more thing, get right into the point with the very first sentence. Stating that an argument is "interesting" is neither here nor there. Pick a side and indicate it straightaway. Keep practicing.

    boyara Junior | Next Rank: 30 Posts Default Avatar
    Joined
    06 Feb 2008
    Posted:
    11 messages
    Target GMAT Score:
    700
    Post Sun Feb 10, 2008 8:17 pm
    Thanks for the advice ..will work on it .

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