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My Arguement essay Please grade

This topic has 1 member reply

Grade Please

6
 
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75% (3 votes)
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25% (1 votes)
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ajmoney09 Master | Next Rank: 500 Posts Default Avatar
Joined
25 May 2008
Posted:
110 messages

My Arguement essay Please grade

Post Sat Jun 21, 2008 6:49 pm
Elapsed Time: 00:00
  • Lap #[LAPCOUNT] ([LAPTIME])
    "Large, corporate athletic facilities that can afford to offer free classes in dance, Pilates, yoga and weight training are pushing small health studios out of a growing market of body-conscious consumers in City X. Enrollment at large gyms has increased by 20 percent over the last 5 years, and that at small studios has decreased by 15 percent. To remedy this situation, large gyms in City X should allow instructors from small local studios to teach introductory classes in their facilities. Thus, the local studios would gain publicity and eventually see enrollments increase."

    The authors argument is flawed severely because the authors leads the reader to assume many of his thoughts. If the author were to state the thoughts he is thinking he would be more persuasive.

    The author assumes that many of the "body-conscious consumers," joined the large gym only for the classes it offers. The large gym offers classes for free yoga, dance, Pilates, and weight training. He assumes because of these free classes the smaller studios are being pushed out. If the smaller studios are focused on a single selection of the four above mentioned classes, then it is possible the large gym is pushing the smaller studios out. There are many other reasons for enrollment to decrease in the small health studios, such as the smaller studios not offering as good of a facility or the larger gyms are offering cheaper monthly charges.

    The author also assumes that by offering a free introductory class at the large gym, the smaller studios will gain publicity, which will in-turn lead to more enrollment. It is safe to agree with this statement, but the smaller studio, who want to compete, would have to indulge the cost of a free class, and would only see a small to none change in percent enrolled. This is because the author again assumes that the consumer will leave the larger facility where he/she receives free classes and will want to go to a smaller studio which offers a similar class and have to pay another fee per month.

    A way to strengthen the authors argument would be to give another statistic showing that people joined the larger facility for the free classes. If members are joining the larger facility because they are body-conscious and as a bonus they receive these free extracurricular classes, then the smaller studios are going to have a tough time competing assuming they cannot afford to match these kinds of bonuses nor can they compete with the better looking and largely more modern fitness centers.


    Based on a sample essay that said practically exactly what I stated here I gave it a 5.

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    VP_Jim GMAT Instructor Default Avatar
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    Post Fri Jun 27, 2008 10:45 am
    Hi ajmoney09,

    I think you did a nice job suggesting how the author could strengthen his argument, and in pointing out the assumptions that the author has made.

    However, I'd recommend lengthening your introductory paragraph, putting in a conclusion summarizing the entire essay, and optimally including a third paragraph stating another assumption made by the author if you have the time. Lastly, try to make the time to proofread your essay carefully before you submit it.

    I'd give this a 4, based on these comments. Good luck!

    _________________
    Jim S. | GMAT Instructor | Veritas Prep

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