Beat The GMAT - the MBA Social Network

I believe reading other applicants’ essays is a great learning opportunity for those applying to business school.  In that spirit, I wanted to share one of the essays I wrote for my Haas application.

Essay Question: What are your short-term and long-term career goals? How do your professional experiences relate to these goals? Why do you want an MBA from Berkeley at this point in your career?

This was the longest essay (1000 words) that Haas required for Fall 2008 admissions.  I chose this essay to share since this essay type is pretty ubiquitous across all business school applications.

My parents started a business in the United States with few resources and little know-how. With the same determination and selflessness that allowed my parents to immigrate to the United States with only a few hundred dollars, I aspire to found and lead a company that generates both economic and social value.

With the first two sentences, I wanted to catch the reader’s attention with a personal anecdote and also directly answer the first question of this essay.  In another essay I told a story, so I chose a very direct style in this one.  It’s important to change your writing styles from essay to essay – this makes your essays more interesting to read.

I have created social value through my volunteerism with various not-for-profit organizations and my current service as a World Savvy board member. These experiences have helped me to realize that there is an opportunity for organizations to be more economically and operationally rigorous while giving back to society.

I have also created economic value in my experience in finance, technology, and operations. At Wal-Mart, the world’s largest private employer, I have gained management experience in the company’s fastest growing division, Walmart.com.

In these two paragraphs, I directly answer the second question, “how do your professional experiences relate to these goals?”.  When writing your essays, it’s important to constantly ask yourself: is what I’m writing answering the question?

While I would like to see not-for-profits emphasize financial accountability and operational efficiency, I would also like to see more companies include corporate social responsibility as a part of their mission. For instance, the Body Shop and Patagonia are financially profitable and invest in environmental sustainability.

Wal-Mart demonstrated the impact of focusing a highly efficient operation towards creating social value in its deployment of supplies to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Currently, Wal-Mart is investing in its mission to do social good with its sustainability initiative. I am a part of a small team in California that has worked with our Bentonville counterparts to generate sustainability ideas to implement at Wal-Mart.

When I wrote this, I wanted to tie my experiences with examples in the corporate world.  In hindsight, I think these two paragraphs add very little to my essay and application; in fact, they could be deleted.  Not only do they not answer the question, but they are impersonal.  The more personal your essay, the better the end result will be since it gives the admissions committee a better sense of who you really are.

I believe in the power of a well-operated, sophisticated organization that generates social and economic value. My career goal is to found and lead this type of organization. A graduate business education from the Haas School of Business will help me achieve my goal through the intimate environment of Haas, the multidisciplinary strength of Berkeley, and the entrepreneurial spirit of the student body and alumni.

In this paragraph, I communicate my thesis statement to answer the question, “why do you want an MBA from Berkeley?”.  The three point thesis statement structure has and always will be an effective essay framework. I formed the three points of my thesis after aligning Berkeley’s unique qualities with my goals.  Writing an essay that aligns your goals with the unique qualities of the school will make a better impression on the admissions committee and, more importantly, help you determine which school is the best fit for you.

Getting insights from others will be integral to the success of my venture. Attending Haas would allow me to develop a network of people with whom I can develop and share ideas. After speaking with numerous alumni, I now understand that Haas’ small class size promotes the development of a strong network amongst the student body and faculty. Not only would I develop business ideas with my classmates, but I would seek out potential business partners and advisors in the Haas community.

The first two sentences of this paragraph could be deleted.  In place of these two sentences, I could have cited examples of students who created businesses out of Haas.  Citing concrete and relevant examples is one of the best ways to support the main idea of a paragraph.

Berkeley’s strength across many disciplines is another reason why an MBA from Haas would benefit my career goals. Graduating from a liberal arts college with a double major in two disparate disciplines, I appreciate the importance of a multi-disciplinary approach, such as political science Professor Ansell’s studies in the social network utilized by entrepreneurs. I believe Berkeley’s multidisciplinary strength creates the ideal environment in which to develop ideas. I also believe that strength in multiple disciplines is a prerequisite for strength in entrepreneurism.

Notice the not-so-subtle drop of a Berkeley professor’s name.  While a bit gratuitous, it does signal that I’ve done my research by using a concrete example.

The third reason why I believe an education from Haas would benefit my career goals is the school’s entrepreneurial strength. I moved to the Bay Area and joined a start-up because of my passion to build a company. My passion now is more focused on starting a company that creates both social and economic value. Having attended events hosted by the Lester Center, I would look forward to immersing myself in the entrepreneur community at Berkeley and pursuing a Certificate in Entrepreneurship. I would pursue field experience by leveraging the Partnership in Entrepreneurial Leadership (PEL) Program to secure an internship with a start-up. In my correspondence with the presidents of the Entrepreneurs Association, I have learned that the opportunities recently taken by students through the PEL are the types of opportunities that I would seek in a summer internship.

In this paragraph I cite examples to both support the main point of this paragraph and directly answer the “why Haas” question.  Discussing specific activities creates a more concrete vision of how I would spend my time at Haas. If anything I would have spent more time here discussing how I plan to spend my time at Haas.  I also could have done a better job of using the active voice throughout this essay.  Using an active voice engages the user more than does the passive voice.

My goal would be to graduate from Haas with a business plan, funding, and a management team in place. The strong network, the multidisciplinary resources, and the entrepreneurial strength at Berkeley would help me achieve my goal of creating and leading an organization that creates economic and social value. I have gained experience at Wal-Mart building and managing a successful team, managing a P&L, and running an operation. I believe now is the ideal time for me to pursue an MBA from Haas in order to build upon that foundation so that I may be well equipped to pursue my goal.

With the first sentence of this closing paragraph, I clearly state where I want to be upon graduation; with the second sentence, I reiterate my thesis statement.  It is critical that you write a concise concluding statement to tie your essay together. Admissions committees have so many essays to read that you want to make it easy for them to understand the main idea of your essay.  Later in this paragraph, I also answer the “why now?” question.

I believe this essay has a lot of room for improvement.  Specifically, my goal of creating social and economic value is vague and the Body Shop / Patagonia / Katrina examples are forced.  Yet, in hindsight, I got a lot out of the essay writing process.  Essay writing was an introspective process.  Framing essay writing in this way turned the process from a tedious task into an opportunity to create a strong vision of what I want out of the next several years of my career.  Thus, I’d suggest thinking about essay writing as your personal career visioning process.

Best of luck with your applications!