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Kindly review ASAP

This topic has 1 member reply
Risika Newbie | Next Rank: 10 Posts
Joined
02 Nov 2015
Posted:
3 messages

Kindly review ASAP

Post Tue Feb 23, 2016 11:38 pm
Elapsed Time: 00:00
  • Lap #[LAPCOUNT] ([LAPTIME])
    #2
    Subject: The following appeared as part of a campaign to sell advertising time on a local radio station to local businesses:
    “The Cumquat Café began advertising on our local radio station this year and was delighted to see its business
    increase by 10 percent over last year’s totals. Their success shows you how you can use radio advertising to make
    your business more profitable.”
    Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc

    The argument claims that advertising on their local radio station this year Cumquat Café was able to see its business increase by 10 percent over last year’s totals and their success shows you how you can use radio advertising to make your business more profitable. The argument fails to mention various factors on which the argument can be evaluated.
    Firstly the argument assumes that the 10% increase in the café’s business is solely because of advertising on the local channel. The argument fails to consider the various other factors such as increased number of offers by the café, increase in the population of the town etc.
    Secondly, the argument doesn’t clearly mention whether the 10% increase is in the sales or the profit of the café. Both the terms have different meanings. It is possible that there was inflation in the country so the prices rose and the number of units sold remained same as that of the last year leading to a profit. The argument fails to explicitly mention whether the 10% increase was an increase in profits or sales.
    Thirdly, the argument readily assumes that just as advertising benefited Cumquat café it will benefit other businesses too. Argument fails to consider that factors influencing a business vary from business to business hence the requirements cannot be generalized.

    All in all, the argument is flawed because it fails to consider the above mentioned points. It could be considerably strengthened if all the factors are considered and kept in mind.

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    sca1een Newbie | Next Rank: 10 Posts Default Avatar
    Joined
    06 Jun 2016
    Posted:
    2 messages
    Post Mon Jun 06, 2016 12:43 am
    I guess it's already too late to answer, but just for you to know your mistakes.

    The argument claims that advertising on their local radio station this year Cumquat Café was able to see its business increase by 10 percent over last year’s totals... -->> The argument claims (that) this year Cumquat Café's advertising on local radio station has increased business revenue by 10% over past year's totals (in your version 'advertising on their local radio station' seems to be out of place)

    The argument fails to mention various factors on which the argument can be evaluated. -->> However, the argument fails to mention various evaluation factors. (I simply don't like repetitions. I guess they make the reader assume you have limited vocabulary)

    Firstly the argument assumes that the 10% increase in the café’s business is solely because of advertising on the local channel. The argument fails to consider the various other factors such as increased number of offers by the café, increase in the population of the town etc. -->> Sounds like you just reworded previous sentences to meet the word count. I believe you should have mentioned these factors in the second sentence.

    The argument fails to explicitly mention whether the 10% increase was an increase in profits or sales. -->> Again you repeat the same idea.

    Basically, your essay is ok but still revision is needed. And my advice would be not to try simply meet the word count by restating the same thing. It is better to say less but to the point. Also when you're having problems with editing you can either use Hemingway editor app or hire ace writers to do the editing.

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