Katharine..pls evaluate my first awa essay and rate it.

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The following was used as part of an internet advertising company's appeal to businesses:

"Furniture Depot employed our internet advertising company to help. Since then its sales increased by 10% over last year's totals. Furniture Depot's success demonstrates how using our internet services can increase your profitability."


The argument claims that the Furniture Depot Company was able to increase its sales using an internet advertising company. Stated in this way, the argument fails to consider some other factors, which might have led to the increase in sales. The conclusion of this argument relies on assumptions for which there is no clear evidence. Hence, the argument is weak and has several flaws.

The primary issue in the author's reasoning lies in his unsubstantiated premises. First, the argument assumes that the Internet Advertising Company was the sole cause of increase in sales for Furniture Depot. The argument fails to consider other factors. For instance, due to improved technology/ technological enhancements, sales might have increased. Another reason could be the decreased demand of the products of Furniture Depot's competitors. Clearly, the argument could have been much clearer if it explicitly stated the missing link between the advertising company and the increase in sales of Furniture Depot.


Second, the argument also relies on the idea that the Internet Advertising Company could be used to increase a company's profitability. This statement is way too extreme. This is again a very weak claim as we do not know the costs associated with employing the Internet Advertising Agency. If these costs are higher, any company employing this may not be profitable. This will not lead to its success. As a result, there is a gap in reasoning here. If the argument had provided some evidence regarding the costs, it would have been a lot more convincing.


While the author does have some key issues with the argument, that is not to say that the entire argument is without base. He can mention reasons as to why the Internet Company can lead to increase in sales and profitability for the Furniture Depot. Without convincing answers to these questions, one is left with the impression that the claim is more of a wishful thinking rather than substantive evidence.


In conclusion, the argument is flawed for the above mentioned reasons and is hence inconvincing. However, it could be considerably strengthened if the author clearly mentions all the relevant facts. Without these things his poorly reasoned argument will likely convince only a few people.



Please rate. :)

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by Katharine@GMATPrepNow » Mon Jul 06, 2015 4:55 pm
Hello nikii,

I'm happy to see that you've started your AWA prep! I hope that these comments help you get ready for the exam.

Writing: As a general rule, you should capitalize companies and brands that are explicitly mentioned in the prompt, but you shouldn't capitalize generic phrases such as "internet advertising company." Keep that in lower-case letters unless it refers to a specific proper noun. You say "clearly, the argument could have been much clearer," and I think you can come up with a synonym so you don't repeat that word. When you say "this will not lead to its success" in the second body paragraph, what do "this" and "its" mean? Make sure it's clear what these pronouns refer to. Something more like "the high costs will not lead to the Furniture Depot's success" would help, assuming that's what you mean.

Structure: I'm guessing that you started from an essay template, because your conclusion is generic and not tied to the prompt. It's fine to start with a template, but you need to modify it to fit the prompt. Otherwise, it's great that you reached five paragraphs. Try to add some length to your conclusion and final body paragraph.

Arguments/Examples: I thought that you found several good reasons to doubt the author's reasoning, which means that you can spend time on the structure and writing style of your essay.

Suggestions for Improvement: Try to add some length to your response. Make sure to have a real conclusion that will stick out for the reader. I'd give this essay close to a four, but I think a little practice will help you reach a top score.

If you have specific questions, please let me know.

Best,
Katharine
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by nikii » Wed Jul 08, 2015 3:15 am
thank you so much for the reply. I will improve the next time i post an essay.

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by Katharine@GMATPrepNow » Wed Jul 08, 2015 4:30 am
Glad to help! Please let me know if you have other questions or if you have responses that need grading.
Katharine Rudzitis - BA
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We have plans to suit every learning style and budget:
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