Feedback Required - AWA practice essay 2

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Feedback Required - AWA practice essay 2

by Rashm » Thu Jul 16, 2015 10:34 pm
Hi All,

Below is my second essay. Please provide me with you feedback :)


Argument -

The following appeared as part of an annual report sent to stockholders by Olympic Foods, a processor of frozen foods:

"Over time, the costs of processing go down because as organizations learn how to do things better, they become more efficient. In color film processing, for example, the cost of a 3-by-5-inch print fell from 50 cents for a five-day service in 1970 to 20 cents for one-day service in 1984. The same principle applies to the processing of food. And since Olympic Foods will soon celebrate its 25th birthday, we can expect that our long experience will enable us to minimize costs and thus maximize profits."


Analysis -
This argument is not logically sound. Firstly, it compares the drop in production costs of color film processing to organic food processing, which is incorrect. The production rates of food processing can be reduced in several other ways, for example, by using cheaper techniques to process food, using low quality containers to store processed food, etc. This argument also incorrectly relates the drop in cost of these two organizations and terms it 'efficient'. Efficiency could have more effectively been portrayed by an example of say, processing more cans of food in limited time and thus decreasing costs.
Secondly the argument also states that Olympic Foods expect to minimize their costs and maximize profits on their 25th birthday, but do not show how they plan to do it. An example of offering discounts on meals or giving away vouchers with meals would have helped in reducing costs and increasing profit.
Since the argument does not include these considerations it is not logically reasoned.

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by Katharine@GMATPrepNow » Fri Jul 17, 2015 2:58 am
Hello Rashm,

My comments on your first essay also apply to this response.

Writing: You should feel free to use normal quotation marks if you quote directly from the prompt. Don't use casual language ("say" in your first paragraph) in the response, because it distracts the reader from your message. You say that the "argument also states...but do not show" in your second paragraph. You mean the "argument also states...but does not show" instead. I didn't see other major writing errors.

Structure: The intro and conclusion are even shorter in this response than in your previous essay! You need to work on building length and starting with a strong intro before you begin the body paragraphs. In the intro, you should restate the author's argument and show that it is flawed, but leave all of the details to the body paragraphs. Right now your intro looks like a body paragraph, not the beginning of an essay.

Arguments/Examples: Good job mentioning how film processing and food processing can't necessarily be compared. That's a great counterexample to the author's reasoning. Keep working to develop three examples into three paragraphs.

Suggestions for Improvement: Work on building five strong paragraphs, and make sure that your intro and conclusion aren't just body paragraphs in disguise. These issues were the major problems in your essay. Otherwise, you're on the right track.

If you have specific questions, please let me know.

Best,
Katharine
Katharine Rudzitis - BA
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by Rashm » Thu Jul 30, 2015 8:34 pm
Thank you for the detailed feedback Katharine :) I will work on the suggestions you have provided.