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Feedback for AWA - Argument

This topic has 1 member reply
abhijit.sontakey Newbie | Next Rank: 10 Posts Default Avatar
Joined
23 Jun 2007
Posted:
5 messages

Feedback for AWA - Argument

Post Sun Jun 24, 2007 12:41 pm
Elapsed Time: 00:00
  • Lap #[LAPCOUNT] ([LAPTIME])
    Hi,
    I need help in the review of argument essay below. any help will be appreciated.
    "
    In order to boost Attire's sagging profits we should replace our boutique from its current suburban-mall location to downtown Tohoma. After all, Dress-Up, our chief competitor at the mall has relocated downtown and is prospering in its new location. Besides neighbouring Betton, the most successful dress designer is located in that city's downtown district. By emulating these two firms we'll surely succeed as well."

    The argument to move the Attire from its current suburban-mall location to downtown Tohama is not properly reasoned and doesn't provide proper illustrations. The argument doesn't cite the cause of decline in profits of Attire firm and how these causes will be addressed in new location. Various factors are involved in the decision to relocate a business enterprise e.g. operating cost, proximity to suppliers, production and distribution efficiency, future prospects etc. If these factors are unfavourable in the new location, the company's profit will continue to decline. The argument doesn't mention anything about the industry requirements of Attire business that can be better met at the new location.
    The argument doesn't provide proper examples. The argument just mentions that because its close competitor has moved to a new location, Attire should also move to the new location. However it might be the case that the focus of Dress-up has changed or its operating has changed completely. The argument also doesn't mention any specific advantages of the new location. If the new location has better infrastructure and better facilities, it would help justify that profits of Attire firm will increase. The argument further mentions that because the most successful dress designer is located at Tohama, decision to move to Tohoma is justified. The argument doesn't mention any similarity in the functioning of the dress designer or any such factors that if applied to Attire will boost its profits.
    The argument could have been strengthened by mentioning the factors that are required for boosting the profit of Attire and how these factors can be met by the new location. The argument could have been further strengthened by providing analysis results of analysts who would have done analysis of the two new locations. A proper example that clearly provides a similar situation as the case of Attire firm would be useful to decide whether moving to new location would be useful.

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    Sadowski Senior | Next Rank: 100 Posts
    Joined
    27 Apr 2007
    Posted:
    91 messages
    Thanked:
    1 times
    Test Date:
    6/28/07
    Target GMAT Score:
    730
    Post Thu Jun 28, 2007 7:07 am
    One thing I would stress, after reading your essay, is the need for clear breaks between each point you make. It's difficult to delineate your intro, supporting paragraphs, and conclusion.

    For instance, your conclusion doesn't begin with "In sum..." or "In conclusion..." You go right into your recommendations for strengthening the argument. I didn't even know that we were in the conclusion at that point, so it caught me off guard.

    Use one paragraph to paraphrase the problem and end it with a conclusion that leads into your supporting paragraphs - "The argument is unconvincing because..."

    Use 2-3 separate paragraphs to drive each point home, with examples of why the reasoning is flawed.

    Use one paragraph to conclude the argument and make a recommendation for strengthening.

    Each paragraph's purpose needs to be very clear, otherwise the reader is confused as to where you're going with your points.

    I hope this helps.

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