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## Can someone please assess my essay - argument

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kajcha Master | Next Rank: 500 Posts
Joined
28 Aug 2007
Posted:
321 messages
1

#### Can someone please assess my essay - argument

Wed Aug 29, 2007 8:03 am
Over time, the costs of processing go down because as organizations learn how to do things better, they become more efficient. In color film processing, for example, the cost of a 3-by-5-inch print fell from 50 cents for five-day service in 1970 to 20 cents for one-day service in 1984. The same principle applies to the processing of food. And since Olympic Foods will soon celebrate its wenty-fifth birthday, we can expect that our long experience will enable us to minimize costs and thus maximize profits.
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In the said argument, the author has tried to make a case that Olympic Foods will be able to cut costs and maximize profits because of its 24 years of experience in this field. The author has based his argument on the assumptions that the organizations learn lessons from their experience and processing method in one industry works for another. In my opinion this argument has 2 serious flaws.

Firstly, the author is comparing two different industry in the paragraph. Film processing is totally different than food processing. In food processing industry one has to take extra care of hygiene and freshness. The author has not discussed how this company will be taking care of these important aspect of food industry. What happens if the items produced by Olympic Foods are found to be spoilt? People will not like to buy such items and the company will be in loss. Besides, the extra processing in food industry might not bring down the cost of the items produced by this company as compared to the film processing industry.

Secondly, the author has not mentioned how Olympic Foods has learnt from its own experience. Has the company improved over the last 24 years? Are the food items produced by this company liked by people? Has the quality of food increased in last 24 years? The experience does not teach anything if one does not learn from his or her mistakes.

So, in my opinion, the author needs to mention in detail how this company has learnt from its experience and how has it improved its processing over the last 24 years to make his argument more solid. Further, the author needs to take example from similar industry to strengthen his argument.

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pahwa Community Manager
Joined
27 Feb 2007
Posted:
117 messages
9
Tue Oct 16, 2007 8:21 pm
hello,
First of all, I see lot of "wordy" constructions in your sentence, for example in first paragraph itself, "Will be able to". You can surely improve on that.
Second, in your first paragraph, no where you have taken your decision firmly. Atleast devote a sentence or two for stating that "you agree with the fact provided the flaws are taken into account"...and go on with explanation of your flaws, or "you do not agree...."

"Firstly, the author is comparing two different industry in the paragraph", please avoid the use of "paragraph" in conjuction to what author has written. You can use the word "argument". There is no hard and fast rule, but writing "argument" gives a better impression. Similarly, "People will not like to buy" can be replaced by "People will not buy".

Going by books, I feel a need for one more paragraph stating that how will the situation improve once these assumptions are taken care of, add this one just above conclusion paragraph.

Make concious efforts to construct economical sentences. GMAT appreciates that, as you must have understood from SC concepts. Otherwise, theessay is okay.
All the best.

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