Any Essay Feedback Appreciated

This topic has expert replies
User avatar
Newbie | Next Rank: 10 Posts
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2015 1:27 pm

Any Essay Feedback Appreciated

by mnealbw » Mon Apr 13, 2015 1:33 pm
Below is an Issue task I wrote. I tried to stay true to the 30 minute window, but I did had to stop once due to an interruption. Any feedback would be appreciated so I can get an idea of what I need to work on. Thank you!

Prompt:
We can usually learn much more from people whose views we share than from people whose views contradict our own.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

Response:
Some people dread the concept of group work because there is always the possibility of working with individuals with different ideas. While this might seem like a difficult situation initially, there can be great benefits if everyone involved keeps an open mind. Although learning from people with similar views may be more comfortable, the best way to learn is from people with contradictory viewpoints.

Having different viewpoints on a situation allows people to learn more about other possible life experiences. In politics, most prefer to work with those with similar opinions. But the best decisionmaking comes from political groups that have gathered participants with differing opinions. This allows the variety of individuals to contribute different experiences and ideas to the issue at hand. If a political group were to be formed of only individuals with similar ideals, several alternative ideas would be missed. It is situations like this when only a fraction of the public benefits from these ideas or changes.

Collaberating with individuals with contradicting views also allows one to improve his or her comprimising and critical thinking skills. Participating in a group with different views will challenge a person's mind to brainstorm and comprimise more efficiently, as well as improving his or her communication skills. In the long run, those who learn from others with different views will be more well-rounded personalities overall. While individuals with similar views might think of more ideas together, these will more likely be one-sided compared to a group with a variety of viewpoints.

While learning from those with similar views might be the most comfortable initially, in the long run it will cripple an individual's communication skills. Challening a person's mind by learning about other viewpoints will benefit them most.

GMAT/MBA Expert

User avatar
Master | Next Rank: 500 Posts
Posts: 205
Joined: Wed Jan 21, 2015 7:02 pm
Location: New York, NY
Thanked: 57 times
Followed by:26 members

by Katharine@GMATPrepNow » Mon Apr 13, 2015 2:51 pm
Hello mnealbw,

Overall I think that your response needs to be a little bit longer. The conclusion could use another sentence, and the body paragraphs could be extended or split into three instead of two.

Writing: I noticed a typo in the second body paragraph (colleborating instead of collaborating). Otherwise you didn't have major writing errors. Make sure you save a few minutes to reread before submitting so you can catch silly mistakes.

Structure: As I mentioned, you should add another sentence to your conclusion and build up your body paragraphs. I think that you should make your stance on the issue clear earlier in your response. It's good to summarize both sides, but make sure the reader knows which side you're arguing.

Arguments/Examples: I thought that both of your body paragraphs had good content, but you should push yourself and see if you can split your ideas into three body paragraphs instead of two. Doing that and adding another sentence to the conclusion should help beef up your response.

Suggestions for Improvement: This was a good essay overall. I think that you need to write a little bit more to get a top score, but there weren't major errors.
Katharine Rudzitis - BA
on hiatus until further notice
We have plans to suit every learning style and budget:
- Self-directed video course
- Private online tutoring from 99th-percentile experts
- Combination packages with video course & private tutoring
- Every plan includes 5 full-length practice tests
- Use our video course with Beat The GMAT's free 60-Day Study Guide
- We have dozens of free videos to try out before buying
Image